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The Value of Things: Texans schedule by the numbers

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By: VBallRetired

Detroit Free Press-USA TODAY Sports

A week by week blow by blow breakdown of the schedule.

You’ll have to forgive our indulgences as each of us here at Battle Red Blog go out on our own and do a blow by blow of the coming season. The release of the schedule is one of the biggest events in the NFL calendar and that by itself is just bizarre when you think about it. Goodness knows that no one really knows what any of these teams will look like before the season, but here is another article you can overreact to.

I did this last year and honestly can’t remember how it turned out. I’m sure I could look in the archives and find it, but that would create just a little bit of embarrassment. Remember, bet only that which you can afford to lose. All of these predictions are meant for entertainment purposes only, but I’m sure a few parlays could be interesting.

Game One: Houston Texans 28, Indianapolis Colts 20

C.J. Stroud opens the season with three touchdown passes and Joe Mixon adds one on the ground in a fairly convincing fashion. Anthony Richardson scores a late touchdown to make it closer than it appears, but this is before injuring an unfortunate popcorn vendor in the second quarter with an errant pass on the sideline.

Game Two: Houston Texans 31, Chicago Bears 17 (SNF)

The battle between Caleb Williams and C.J. Stroud is not what it is cracked up to be. Williams struggles against the Texans pass rush. Will Anderson and Danielle Hunter combine for three sacks and that includes a crucial strip sack for a quick six. Joe Mixon and Dameon Pierce put the game on ice in the second half.

Game Three: Houston Texans 27, Minnesota Vikings 10

JJ McCarthy looks very ordinary against the Texans pass rush. Stingley locks down Jefferson and there isn’t much for him in this one. Stroud and the Texans offense coast to victory.

Game Four: Houston Texans 31, Glitter Kitties 14

Sunshine has problems running the option and getting away from Will Anderson. Christian Harris has a pick six to put the game on ice in the first half. Dare Ogbunwale kicks a meaningless field goal in the fourth quarter to tweak the Kitty faithful.

Game Five: Houston Texans 28, Buffalo Bills 3

Stroud feeds Diggs early and often as for the former Bill catches two first half scores. Josh Allen runs around for his life and has no one to throw the ball to since his best receiver is now wearing Texans gear.

Game Six: Houston Texans 45, New England Patriots 10

Are you kidding me?

Game Seven: Green Bay Packers 31, Houston Texans 28

It’s a shoot out and the first loss of the season for the Texans. The interior of the defensive line has a tough time against Josh Jacobs and the Packers offense. Stroud is good, but just not quite good enough.

Game Eight: Houston Texans 31, Indianapolis Colts 20

No injured vendors in this one, but this is because Richardson has already been sidelined with a mysterious injury. Joe Flacco throws two touchdowns and three picks. Mixon has his first multiple touchdown effort in a Texans uniform.

Game Nine: Houston Texans 35, New York Jets 13 (TNF)

Aaron Rodgers is on a leave of absence as he strives to be RFK Jr.’s running mate. He gets sacked by a reporter after questioning his two opponents and their knowledge of U.S. history. The Jets give up on running out a quarterback and just run the single wing with Breece Hall scoring two late touchdowns.

Game Ten: Detroit Lions 34, Houston Texans 21 (SNF)

It’s the worst game of the season for the Texans. Jared Goff goes off for four touchdowns against a beleaguered secondary. Stroud throws two late scores to make the game look better than it could have been.

Game Eleven: Houston Texans 35, Dallas Cowboys 31 (MNF)

Franchise quarterback Dak Prescott throws three touchdowns and a key pick six in the fourth quarter, He does just enough to lose. It’s business as usual for the Texans offense as they light up the Cowboys for 300 plus yards in the air.

Game Twelve: Houston Texans 28, Tennessee Titans 13

Titans fans are outraged when DeMeco Ryans wears a possum cap pregame and thus demeans Nashville culture. Stroud tweaks Will Levis by tossing him a jar of Blue Plate mayonnaise in their postgame meeting.

Game Thirteen: Houston Texans 41, Jacksonville Jaguars 28

It’s a dominating performance on defense until the fourth quarter. Sunshine connects on two touchdown passes to Christian Kirk in the fourth quarter to make this one closer than the majority of the game would show.

Game Fourteen: Houston Texans 34, Miami Dolphins 31

Tua is concussed in the early going leaving Tyreek Hill without a reliable quarterback. Will Anderson and Danielle Hunter combine for four sacks, but the back end is torched on a couple of late touchdowns.

Game Fifteen: Kansas City Chiefs 35, Houston Texans 34

it is one of those ESPN Classic instant classics as Stroud and Mahomes trade touchdowns back and forth. The Hawaiian misses an extra point in the second quarter and that is the difference in the game.

Game Sixteen: Baltimore Ravens 34, Houston Texans 28 (TNF)

Stroud and company are better in this one than they were in the past, but the ghost of Derrick Henry torches the Texans defense for 150 yards. Having clinched the AFC South, the Texans don’t need this one as much as the Ravens.

Game Seventeen: Houston Texans 34, Tennessee Titans 10

Will Levis is hospitalized from food poisoning. His Hellmann’s jar was three years out of date and he violently vomits repeatedly in the locker room after his third cup of coffee. Mason Rudolph is no match for the Texans pass rush.

There you have it. The Texans will finish the season 13-4 and gain home field advantage throughout the playoffs. If these predictions seem silly just remember they are no more silly than anyone else’s predictions at this point.

Originally posted on Battle Red Blog – All Posts