BREAKING: Kyle Allen to Start for Texans on Sunday Against Dolphins

The changing of the guard, the changing of the guard, hi ho the derry-o, the changing of the guard.

So, your football team has won exactly one game and has a -71 point differential which is good for second-worst in the NFL. So, you have a historically bad offense that is within spitting distance of the 1977 Tampa Bay Buccaneers for worst PPG of all time. So, your offense has played more games where the Houston Texans have given up interceptions (8), than they have played without (2).

But we have good news. All our offensive problems are about to become a thing of the past. Because while Head Coach Lovie Smith didn’t announce it at his weekly press conference today, we have breaking news from the NFL’s Mike Garafolo announcing that, according to sources, the Texans will be starting Kyle Allen under center next week instead of Davis Mills.

Look, I’m going to level with y’all, Davis Mills is not the problem.

Okay, he’s not the ONLY problem. And, yes, Davis Mills has struggled, his garbage time stat-padding notwithstanding. But why change? Is Kyle Allen really going to be that much better than Davis Mills? Or is this, as I suspect, just more chair rearrangement on the Titanic.

The Texans are already 1-8-1. As far as the Texans season is concerned, it’s effectively over. Changing quarterbacks now is not going to improve this team in any meaningful way. It won’t put the Texans in the playoff picture (stop laughing). And frankly, if the idea behind switching decaf (Mills) for caffeine free (Allen) might even be bad for the Texans in the long term.

Say Allen gets in and, somehow, the Texans get on a run and start winning games; I’m not even saying they run the table here, let’s just say they win four of their remaining seven games, that puts them at 5-11-1. Are the Detroit Lions a 5-12 team? The New York Jets? The Denver Broncos? The Texans already have an inside track to the top pick in next year’s draft because of their steely determination to do the barest minimum necessary. Changing to Kyle Allen, while I doubt he will make any kind of significant impact on the field, could wind up having a significant, and negative, impact off the field.

But that’s all immaterial now, Kyle Allen is our starting quarterback now, for better or for worse.