TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: The Texans Off-Season Off to a Fast and Furious Start…

No slow start to this off-season for the Houston Texans…

HOUSTON – While much of the NFL world is focused on the pending conference championship games, with one of the four survivors guaranteed to actually win the Super Bowl, the other 28 franchises in the NFL have other things in mind, mainly trying to build up their teams so that they can get into the NFL’s Final Four at some point in the future, preferably sooner rather than later. The Houston Texans are no exception.

“Gotta get this right. Can’t afford to misfire anymore. Gotta get this right. Gotta get this right…” Texans General Manager Nick Caserio constantly muttered to himself as he was religiously checking his phone…or at least he was until he ran smack into a wall. After quickly falling back, then shaking off the impacts of collision, frantically got right back up, grabbing his phone and severing the hand and wrist from the arm of the staffer trying to help him back up and get him his phone back. “GIVE ME THAT [EASTERBY] PHONE YOU [EASTERBY] [EASTERBY] piece of [EASTERBY]!!!!” ignoring the cries of pain and anguish from the young staffer.

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

“Sigh….That is the fourth staffer he’s done that to this week” lamented another unnamed staffer, who still had both of his arms, wrists and hands. “Nick is under A LOT of pressure. I mean, he sorta alluded to it in some of those press conferences earlier, but take him away from the public veneer…WOW! He is really, really feeling it!!!”

Sources indicate that Caserio has been working every single phone in the Texans facility, as well as burning through seven different iPhones this past week in contacting coaching candidates and vacancies. As opposed to previous years, when Caserio and the Texans found themselves interviewing all sorts of candidates, from the noted assistants and prior head coaches all the way to those “outside the box” candidates, this year’s process appears to be rather…normal. As relayed by one anonymous source:

“Actually, this year, we’ve really been sorta…conventional in our interviewing process. Man, the last couple of years were wild. I mean, we hired [David] Culley in 2021. Never, ever been considered a true coaching candidate, but figured he had trained a few players. Couldn’t hurt to go with that. But last off-season, that just got really, really wild. So we hired Lovie [Smith], and we put out that statement about how he was ‘the main and best candidate’, but I think everyone and their dog knew that we had looked at a BUNCH of other folks. Just think: Josh McCown, Brian Flores, Mike Lombardi, Hines Ward, Jonathan Gannon, Rich Gannon, Dave Ward, Beto O’Rourke, Dusty Baker, Barry Switzer. Kylo Ren, Ted Lasso…I think we even tried to get on Urban Meyer’s calendar, but unfortunately, we got the wrong bar address in Columbus.

That off-season was a pure mess of epic proportions. The shouting matches between Caserio and Easterby about whether to go with Flores or McCown…it got ugly. At least until that whole lawsuit thing. Cal was like ‘Can’t go with Flores…all the other owner would hate me, say mean things about me…or even…or even say I was a worse owner than Dan Snyder (shudders).’ But then some folks pointed out that if the team hired McCown, McNair would be on the front of the Washington Post Sport Pages (Owned by Jeff Bezos), or maybe even the front page, and that would not be a good thing. Then Cal looked over to the Defensive Coordinator and was all ‘Lovie, you’re the coach.’ Thus, our glorious coaching search…”

“This year, it has been all well-though of NFL assistants and former head coaches. Playing it safe I think, but our last couple of outside the box hires didn’t exactly lead to great results.”

Totally Not Fake News (NOT owned by Jeff Bezos, but we wouldn’t be opposed to him paying us oodles and oodles of money) can confirm that the following are targets and/or have interviewed;

• Los Angeles Rams assistant HC Thomas Brown,
• Denver Broncos DC Ejiro Evero,
• Philadelphia Eagles DC Jonathan Gannon,
• Detroit Lions OC Ben Johnson (staying with the Lions),
• New York Giants OC Mike Kafka,
• Former New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton,
• San Francisco 49ers DC DeMeco Ryans
• Philadelphia Eagles OC Shane Steichen.

For Payton, he interviewed over Zoom, as Cal McNair wanted to show off to Payton and other prospective coaches that he innovative with his technology.

“Hey, I want to show perspective employees that we here in Houston are on the cutting edge of technology and stuff like that. Besides, we have all of this tech equipment that I used to use for marathon Minecraft and Mario Kart sessions…not that I would ever engage in that sort of activity as a serious NFL owner and CEO, which I am now…not that I wasn’t before, but I am willing to work for the people, to show the fans that we hear them and that we will improve this team, to get them out to [NRG] stadium so they can spend lots and lots of money so we can continue to live extravagantly and…oh, wait, scratch that last part. That was supposed to be the part I didn’t say out loud. Still learning.”

While no official word of what actually happened came out of that meeting, sources seemed to gleam on to the following from Sean Payton post-interview:

As for Caserio, he was still in a frantic mood, making calls/texts/emails…going “like a velociraptor on speed” as one staffer noted. However, when certain messages or calls came in, Caserio’s face seemingly both fell in sorrow and rose in indignation and intense anger.

“Oh, he must be getting THOSE messages again. You see, after the last game at Indy and the subsequent actions after that, Caserio’s been getting a series of communiques from Lovie and Culley. A lot of references to that game and the Texans’ upcoming draft position…”

Totally Not Fake News (still not yet owned by Jeff Bezos, but open for investment) managed to obtain some of the texts from the former coaches:

“Hey Nick, you going for one coach, or gonna try to win and go for two?”

“Motivational line of the Day: The #2 pick is the first loser to #1!”

“Hey Nick, just wanted to let you know, I would have punted on third down before that fourth and 20. Nothing to dwell on…”

“Hey, Dave and I have a bet goin’ here. I think that you are gonna give Chicago TWO #1 draft picks to trade up to get the #ONE Pick!!! Dave thinks you are going to give ‘em THREE!!!”

“How does it feel to be leading an AFC team that lost to Chicago twice in a season?”

When our reporters caught up with the two former head coaches, they were in good spirts, enjoying another rousing party and film festival:

“Oh, we are doing just fiinnnee!” noted former coach Lovie Smith. “Just chilling here, having a big ol’ cookout, kicking back a couple of beers, watching some good movies…yeah, sucks to be fired, but I think I am doing ok with the buyout. Hey, speaking of which, Dave, the fire pit is gettin’ a little low.”

“No problem Lovie. Let me get a couple more stacks of hundreds and I’ll put them under the logs. Ya know, it is awful great that Cal gave us all of this money to burn and party with…maybe not a great owner, but a generous fool, so he has that going for him.”

Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

We tried to continue the interview, but then Lovie interrupted “Hey Dave, isn’t it time for another show?”

“Okay” replied Culley “but I am callin’ a ‘knock it off’ on the replays of the Adkins Butt-over-Nose [Easterby]U 2 point conversion play. It was funny the first 5,000 times, but it is getting a little old.”

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

“Fine, what did you have in mind?”

“A classic that is oh so relevant and honors our benefactor…Tommy Boy!”

With that, the activities of previous coaches, and of potential future coaches, continue.