2023 NFL Draft Hair of the Dog: , Where the Houston Texans Made Their Moves…

And did they ever make some moves.

Well, that was something, wasn’t it? Your Houston Texans just completed their 21st NFL Draft, but perhaps this iteration was the craziest in franchise history. The Houston 2023 Draft could easily take its place among the most whirlwind-ish of any team’s draft in NFL history. They didn’t waste time, taking a QB at two (not completely unexpected), and then…commence to festival:

• Trade multiple picks with Arizona to grab Will Anderson Jr. at the third pick (thus fulfilling the Fracking Bonkers scenario);
• Trade back into the lower end of the second round to get Juice Scruggs
• Trade around in the 3rd round to get local product Tank Dell
• Let Philadelphia cut in line for the price of a 2024 draft pick to get another Georgia defender in the 4th round
• MOAR and MOAR trades in day three, until we ended up with the nine members of the 2023 Texans draft class.

If the upcoming season can match the excitement level seen in this draft, then we could be in for the most entertaining Texans’ season of the 2020s. Granted, that is a very, very low bar, but for the apathetic fandom, this was a shot of pure adrenaline. Will it translate into a faster turnaround? TBD. However, you can’t accuse the Texans of not trying.

As expected, the masthead climbed out of hibernation to offer their real-time takes on the most exciting period of Texans actions since the pre-pandemic days. Along the way, we offered our inputs on players, fulfilling our 21st Amendment rights, insights into the legend of Andre the Giant, working on obtaining a new sponsorship (cough, cough, Bartesian, cough, cough), and other goofy insights, all while trying to keep up with a Texans fun office working on full-on “Wild Toro” mode. You can also have fun figuring out which masthead members cheer for which colleges.

In classic ‘Dog fashion, all questionable words have been replaced with [KITTEN] get around those pesky NSFW requirements. Who knows? There may come a point where you can read about the Texans and not feel like it is a dirty secret, to only be shared with closest friends…Anyway, done with the draft and on to the ‘Dog:

vballretired

This NFL Draft has been brought to you by Bartesian. When your team announces the week of the draft that failure is necessary, you need a stiff drink. Bartesian makes over 50 different cocktails flawlessly. Get blitzed as you watch your team kick the QB hole another year down the road

I’m going to get us a Bartesian sponsorship if it kills me

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate drops to zero. In between 1995 and 2015, 20 quarterbacks were the first QB off the board in the first round (except 1996 in case you were wondering). Five became likely HOFers while three would be labeled as busts. The second quarterback taken (even allowing for non first rounders) had four such HOF players with eight qualifying as busts. Of those eight busts, only six were picked in the first round. That’s a high bust rate but the odds of finding a future HOFer are almost as good. [KITTEN], let’s pick a QB.

Kenneth L.

Let’s not mess this up

l4blitzer

Whhhhuuuuttt? The Texans derping this grand draft opportunity? After following the short history of this franchise??? Where would you ever get that idea…after watching this past season…or the one before that, or before that…or before…you know what, never mind…

vballretired

Failure is not only an option. It’s inevitable apparently. Let’s draft a defender with a top two pick. It’s not like we haven’t done THAT before.

Kenneth L.

None of the 4 QBs will be there at 12

Patrick

A metaphorical hole being patched in the foundation here at NRG Stadium

l4blitzer

It is nothing…it is everything

vballretired

Jackson back in Baltimore. We avoid QB and we will have the worst QB situation in the AFC

l4blitzer

And we won’t have the Astros to distract from the drama/pain

Patrick

Or playoff hockey.

vballretired

Case Keenum fans could be insufferable this season. Does Doordash have a Screwdriver or Whiskey Sour?

Patrick

Probably. Depends on the liquor stores near you.

vballretired

Of course, I have a Bartesian so I’m set

I’m getting a pre-draft burger to prep the stomach. This is going to require a chemical balance.

If the Titans trade up to get Stroud I’ll need at least one beer if not two.

l4blitzer

Have an early appt tomorrow morning, so the booze intake is going to be severely curtailed. That might make the night tougher than it needs to be…

Patrick

I’ll pick up the slack brother.

l4blitzer

vballretired

I’m on it

I’m going to have to space them out though. I do have to cover this thing live. I don’t think SBNation wants the Eagles to take Blavfrs Rtequirt

l4blitzer

Didn’t Kiper have him graded as a second rounder?

vballretired

He’s a tweener. I think he might be safetybacker at the NFL level

l4blitzer

So, we’re gonna trade back up into the 1st to get him to play center/LB, aren’t we?

vballretired

First full time two way player since Chuck Bednarik

l4blitzer

We should be so lucky, but no, we’ll get the next Hollywood Henderson, but without the whole talent thing…

vballretired

I just went on Chorus and saw “Texans select C.J. Stroud”. I thought, “[KITTEN] this beer won’t be enough.

l4blitzer

“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily…”…wait a minute, that’s this team’s mantra for this decade (at least)

vballretired

Anyone know anyone at the draft party? I figure Cal and Hannah might need more protection.

Someone did a study that 2.6 drinks was the chemical balance level needed to succeed on the golf course. What’s the ideal equilibrium for a Texans fan?

l4blitzer

Perhaps only Andre the Giant could ever have truly achieved that level, he of the legendary 116 beer night…

vballretired

My Durga, I’d be in a diabetic coma after only five percent of that

l4blitzer

Some of the stories about him make him the late 20th century version of Paul Bunyan or something like that. Don’t even have to be a wrestling fan to enjoy those tales.

vballretired

Andre was the brute squad

l4blitzer

Remember reading about how a couple of the actors tried to keep up him some nights (spoiler alert: it did not go well)

vballretired

Rumor is that the Titans will trade up to three to take Stroud. If that happens I’m going back to my garage to grab a couple more

l4blitzer

So. Much. Drama.

vballretired

The Rampa Ray Blexaneers take Drewness Tranglebuck Splitguard from Minnedakota Tech

l4blitzer

Oooohhh a couple of A-10s flying over…nice touch

Patrick

Dude was friggin’ enormous, I’m surprised he COULD get drunk.

vballretired

Who said he was. It might have been a Homer Simpson deal where they just ran out of booze.

l4blitzer

Supposedly, when he went in for back surgery, the doctors had no idea how much anesthetic to give him, so they asked how much alcohol it took him to get buzzed, and his colleague said he would get buzzed after a quart and a half of vodka.

Patrick

[DURGA][KITTEN].

l4blitzer

Not that I advocate anyone, even us long-time Texans fans, to even come close to matching that…

Patrick

That’s “New Orleans drunk” for me.

l4blitzer

No matter how much the Texans will want to make us do that.

Patrick

Like I can only achieve that in New Orleans.

vballretired

Bartesian? Are you listening? This is a golden sponsorship opportunity

l4blitzer

Are they on social media…maybe we can hash-tag them or somethin’

Patrick

I love they’re showing all these shots of Kansas City, a city that brags about its fountains because it has literally nothing else visually worthwhile.

Patrick

FTR, Bartesian does appear to be on Twitter.

vballretired

@Bartesian

Here comes the pomp and circumstance. Or is it pimp and circumstance?

Patrick

Sure, why not.

The thing I “love” about this draft is that there’s so many different camps of Texans fans for who they want, unlike last year when we all knew going in it would be Stingley and we just shrugged.

Kenneth L.

Guys i cant feel my toes. Is this okay?

vballretired

I haven’t in years

Patrick

For me it’s pretty normal, but I have bad blood circulation.

l4blitzer

Depends on the weather…

Kenneth L.

Hahah

Patrick

Well I’ve already seen a tipped pick. Bye bye Bryce. It was a nice dream while it lasted. Can I get a [KITTEN] Lovie Smith in the chat?

l4blitzer

Well, we’ll just save that for a special occasion…like when we play them.

vballretired

I’ll give you a [KITTEN] Brandin Cooks

l4blitzer

Goodell really needs to lean into the Mr MacMahon thing…should even demand that the announcer call him “Mr. Goodell”

vballretired

Pimp and circumstance

Patrick

Oh [DURGA], is every pick going to be like this?

l4blitzer

Probably…you may resume your drinking now

vballretired

Didn’t ever stop

l4blitzer

…and we’ve entered the “cheap pop” portion of the draft

vballretired

How about a sip every time this [KITTEN]ing thing gets delayed with random “celebrities”

l4blitzer

We’d be in Andre the Giant territory by pick 7

Patrick

I don’t want to die vball.

Levy

we are running late

Patrick

We might be on time if they didn’t feel the need to drag out whoever the [KITTEN] to start things off.

Levy

At least Carolina is on the clock

l4blitzer

IIRC, didn’t the NFL instruct teams to take their time, as last year, they (NFL) felt like the teams were moving too quickly for the “drama” aspect?

Patrick

It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s true. It’d annoy me, but not surprise me.

Kenneth L.

lets goo

Patrick

They picked quickly.

l4blitzer

The contrast between the cameras for the Carolina and Houston draft rooms…

Patrick

STROUD!

IT’S STROUD!

[CJ Stroud coming to Houston]

Patrick

OH THANK WHATEVER, IT’S NOT WILL LEVIS

Joe Critz

WOOOOOO

l4blitzer

Great, I have to now cheer for a Hairless Nut alum…still, if he can ball like he did against Georgia, I’ll forgive it.

Patrick

“You’re going to a team that’s looking for a new identity.” Incorrect. We’re looking for AN identity.

l4blitzer

Now, what will the Cardinals do?

Kenneth L.

Look its the safetst pick and it has risk

WE ARE TRADING UP

Patrick

Wut?

Kenneth L.

WAIT IS THIS REAL

vballretired

Yes

Patrick

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Kenneth L.

can someone tell me what we traded????

randallbronn

HOUSTON MOVED BACK UP TO 3

Kenneth L.

I can’t breath

randallbronn

I HAVENT SEEN THE PACKAGE

Patrick

Arizona gets this year’s second, one of next year’s first and third rounders.

According to Rich Eisen.

l4blitzer

The FRACKING BONKERS scenario is happening….

[Will Anderson to Houston at pick 3]

Patrick

How…HOW?!?!

l4blitzer

Welp…Caserio may have just kept himself in Houston for another contract, especially if both of these picks pan out…

vballretired

Let’s [KITTEN]ing go!!!!!!!!

l4blitzer

Welp, barring another massive trade, we are likely done for quite a while (3rd Round)

No 2nd, which kinda sucks, but we still have plenty of day 2 picks

Patrick

[KITTEN], I might have to drink to celebrate now.

And enough draft capital to get into two if they really want.

vballretired

What was the trade?

randallbronn

Houston get picks 3 and 105 and Arizona gets 12 and 33 plus a first and 3rd next szn

Not sure which first but most likely the Cleveland first

l4blitzer

Can you designate a 1st round pick (like say that Arizona gets the lower of our 2024 1sts next season)?

Patrick

So really not terrible.

Kenneth L.

Well I mean in terms of value. Having that many first round picks is just tough on pay roll. I think he wanted to do this from the start.

GREAT pick for the colts

[Ex-Baltimore team picks Anthony Richardson]

Patrick

I don’t like it.

I don’t like any pick that might be good for the Colts.

vballretired

[KITTEN]. Well maybe he doesn’t play in 2023

l4blitzer

Hope Will Anderson Jr. maintains his conditioning if he has to chase [Richardson].

Kenneth L.

i could talk about this for an hour – essentially, i really believe this is a front office that got dressed down over the offseason. they thought they did a lot of good work, but when push came to shove an embarrassed ownership pushed them to make a big move. and make a big move they did

this front office had to show their interest and push the envelope.

vballretired

I’m loving what we did

randallbronn

This is gonna be a massive success if Cleveland does better

Kenneth L.

i honestly love what we did

vballretired

Any details on our trade?

Patrick

This is a burst of competence that I had forgotten the Texans were capable of.

Texans 2nd this year, 1st next year and 3rd next year for the third overall and a third (I think) this year.

l4blitzer

Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter)

Cardinals get: 12 33 1st in 2024 3rd in 2024 Texans get: 3 105

Patrick

Yeah, that.

l4blitzer

and I wrote about the Texans getting #2 and #3 picks as sort of a wild/bonkers out of left field scenario….AND THEY DID IT! Now, I guess I need to write about how they will not completely suck.

vballretired

Makes us a standard team this year and next.

Kenneth L.

I havent stopped sweating

ugh i did really, really want the 33rd pick. but i think we’ll use the rest of our picks to trade into the 2nd round

vballretired

So essentially we get an extra four for the second rounder. Next year will be conventional

Patrick

I hope. I don’t think my heart could take another draft like this.

vballretired

What’s the beverage of choice if you are actually proud of your team?

l4blitzer

Don’t know…it has been so long since anyone has legitimately said those words.

Patrick

Water?

vballretired

Top shelf? I’m so used to the Triple X Whiskey. [KITTEN], this might rate Jack Daniels or dare I say Gentleman Jack

Patrick

I’m just going to drink my sadness drinks but designate them as happiness drinks.

l4blitzer

Oooohhhh…let’s not get all crazy here. Gotta wait for a winning season for the real good stuff (Gentleman Jack). Regular JD however, is completely acceptable.

Patrick

LOL, the Cards are trading up to 6

l4blitzer

…with us???

Patrick

With the Lions it looks like?

vballretired

Jalen Carter?

l4blitzer

Talking heads are talking OT for the Cards

vballretired

Interesting

Buckle up as Jonathan Gannon would say

Patrick

Well the heads called it, L4.

l4blitzer

Hairless Nut OT Paris Johnson to the Cards

vballretired

Trade Davis Mills for an 8th rounder?

Kenneth L.

my roommate just asked me if the NCAA owns the NFL

vballretired

Hmmmm

Patrick

Okay, I have so many questions about this question.

[Tyree Wilson to the Raiders]

l4blitzer

For a brief nano-second…if that…I almost felt sad for Levis, still sitting in the back room, even with all the sound and fury about him being the #1 or #2 player taken. He’ll still get his money to buy the good coffee and good mayo for his morning drinks

Kenneth L.

wow my heart rate is still unhealthy right now

vballretired

Thank [Durga] we weren’t subjected to that. Think Hannah busted into the war room and made Nick an offer he couldn’t refuse?

And that’s another sip for everyone

l4blitzer

“Either you draft Stroud and Anderson, or your brains will be on this table…”

Patrick

Bijan Robinson to the Falcons

[Bijan Robinson drafted by Atlanta…Dallas suddenly feels sad]

vballretired

[KITTEN]. Good pick by them

Kenneth L.

y’all my roommate who has no understanding of football is trying to watch the draft with me and it’s [KITTENING] infuriating

Patrick

Nick Caserio wakes up with a horse’s head in his bed.

Kenneth L.

He cant get how University of Texas and the Houston Texans are separate and it gives me nightmares

l4blitzer

I’m not sure there is any hope for your roommate

Kenneth L.

he just asked if Bijan robinson was a QB

as i just told him he is a running back

Patrick

Bozhe moi.

Kenneth L.

and just asked why Quinn Ewers hasnt been drafted

l4blitzer

Philly traded up to 9

Patrick

How does he know who Quinn Ewers is if he doesn’t understand football on any level?

Kenneth L.

good question – he didnt know who Ewers was he just pointed like a child

vballretired

Jack would have tried

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we pulled a Dikta and traded our entire draft for JSN?

Patrick

I have images of you strapping your roommate into a chair a la Clockwork Orange and forcing him to watch the first 20 seasons of Texans football.

(to vball) It would be hilarious if Tennessee did that. If we did that, I’d blow a gasket.

vballretired

I’ll take the frontal lobotomy

l4blitzer

BO’B/Easterby might have pulled a Ditka, but Hannah will make sure Caserio never considers that.

Patrick

Durga save the queen?

vballretired

You sweep the leg and his weight displacement won’t work. He will quit the game

[Jalen Carter to Philly]

Patrick

Jalen Carter to the Eagles.

Kenneth L.

wow fantastic pick and they gave up NOTHING

l4blitzer

‘Cause the Iggles needed another nightmare DL player

vballretired

[GATITO]

Can you put a personal driver clause in a contract?

l4blitzer

Either that or a couple of Philly fans to throw batteries at him if he makes any dumb driving decisions

Kenneth L.

lmao

Patrick

It’s Philly, they’d probably take the fall for him if he did have more vehicular death incidents.

Kenneth L.

haha – think this is a great fit for both

Patrick

“That’s just what he does, we don’t wanna crimp his style”

vballretired

That’s what Irvin said

l4blitzer

Curious to see what the Bears do here. OT, WR?

[Narrator: The Bears took OT Darnell Wright out of Tennessee]

vballretired

And we get to the what the [KITTEN] portion of the proceedings

l4blitzer

Somewhere, Lovie Smith is saying “So, you still want to tell me to go [KITTEN] myself after that last game?”

Patrick

Yes, Lovie. Yes, I do.

Joe Critz

if this is will levis the AFC south just completely changed in the span of just 2 years

l4blitzer

BE-SF pick is in…are mayo sales about to spike in Nash-Vegas???

Patrick

Oh my [DURGA], let them take Levis, please, I will laugh my butt off.

l4blitzer

All the other “Draft rooms” really make Houston’s seem lame…or H-town elects to go with the worst camera angles of any of the teams

[BE-SFs go with a smarty-pants (Northwestern) OT Peter Skoronski. Mayo sales remain flat in Nashville]

vballretired

Poor Levis tumbling down the board

Patrick

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

C’mon Dallas, you know you want Levis.

vballretired

JSN lasting to 12 too

l4blitzer

Does Detroit go QB or WR?

Patrick

Yes.

l4blitzer

SOLD!!!!

Patrick

Oooooooooooooooooooooooh Jahmyr Gibbs to the Loins.

l4blitzer

Wow…two RBs in the top 12…are we back in the 20th century?

Patrick

YOU. RUN. TO. SET. UP. THE. PASS.

vballretired

This is one [KITTEN]ed up draft

Patrick

Yes, and that’s what makes it so wonderful!

l4blitzer

Well, when you pass, three things happen, and two of them are bad…but didn’t think the NFL was resurrecting THAT philosophy? Are we gonna see the Single Wing in the next couple of years?

vballretired

Do we have the ammunition to trade up into the later part of the first round?

Joe Critz

lmao what are the lions doing

vballretired

How about the Veer?

Patrick

Probably, but I don’t know how trigger happy Nick still is.

l4blitzer

Still got two 3s and 2 4s in 2023 and a number of day 3 picks…don’t know about 2024 set up as of now.

vballretired

I remember the wishbone in school. 18 Read. 19 Read. 18 Read. 19 Read.

I think 2024 is almost seven picks at normal intervals

l4blitzer

2024: one 1st, one 2nd, two 4ths, one 5th, two 7ths

vballretired

Seven picks.

Who the hell knows if that bold move works but it’s finally a gamble on actually being good

Patrick

Good news Kenneth! You don’t have to worry about Lukas Van Ness anymore!

l4blitzer

Still left in 2023: two 3rds, two 4ths, one 5th, three 6ths, two 7ths

Patrick

So plenty of ammunition.

vballretired

Who was just picked?

[DL Lukas Van Ness Iowa to Green Bay]

l4blitzer

Steelers now at 14th

Joe Critz

its steeler time

come on joey porter jr

vballretired

Levis here would be hilarious

l4blitzer

I can’t see the Steelers doing that…they are “usually” smarter than that…the Jets on the other hand…

Patrick

What is a Broderick Jones and should Steelers fans be happy?

l4blitzer

ESPN with the TV tip of the pick of Broderick Jones (OT from Georgia)

vballretired

[KITTEN], they went conventional. [KITTEN] them.

Patrick

I mean the answer to the second part of that question (Joe, excepted) is no, but is this a good pick?

Booooooooooooooooooo

Joe Critz

broderick jones is cool I like him

I would say its a good pick but not fantastic

Im also still a bit of a fan of dan moore jr. so personally i wouldve preferred a defender but jones is more than worth it for the potential

Patrick

Guess [Pittsburgh] needs someone to keep Kenny Pickett from becoming dead.

vballretired

That’s overrated

Joe Critz

yea honestly i wanna see him fake slide every game

running is back apparently so its time for him to use them legs!!!

l4blitzer

The Jets draft room looks quite dead right now

Bonkers scenario….Houston trades some of their Day 2/Day 3 picks to the Jets to get a WR…probably not going to happen…but…

Patrick

I might very well faint if they traded into the first round again.

l4blitzer

ESPN focusing on Nolan Smith (LB, Georgia)

So, at this point, the big needs for H-town would appear to be WR and C, but we could probably use depth all over.

vballretired

Oh sure

l4blitzer

Eh, good for the kid

vballretired

You can’t be mad at this

Joe Critz

will mcdonald!!!

Kenneth L.

I love this jets make a wish kid

l4blitzer

ESPN with the camera fake out…Will McDonald IV (LB from Iowa State)

Kenneth L.

Wow that’s toooooo early

Joe Critz

dang hi will mcdonald

what are you doing after the draft….im asking for a friend….

vballretired

Good on that kid

l4blitzer

The Commanders are up…of course, all moves are secondary to gettin’ rid of the Dan Snyder, the most hated exec in DC, and THAT is saying something

vballretired

In the greater Virginia/Maryland area

l4blitzer

Yep…there was much rejoicing in the DMV upon the news of the sale.

Joe Critz

commanders make a good pick in the first round every year

[The Snyder-less Commanders go with Miss State CB Emmanuel Forbes]

Kenneth L.

he is certainly dynamic

vballretired

That’s where L.T. Went

Patrick

Why’d I think Tomlinson was a higher draft pick than that?

vballretired

He was. Top ten I think

Best football player I’ve ever seen live

vballretired

So far

l4blitzer

Ravens are up…since they don’t need a QB, should be interesting to see what they do here.

[3rd WR in a row. Zay Flowers to the ex-Cleveland team]

vballretired

Hmmm

l4blitzer

9 picks left in the 1st round

Patrick

THIS IS GOING TOO FAST!!! It’s like a really good sneeze.

vballretired

Or good trip to the bathroom. Sometimes you want to tip the toilet

l4blitzer

Wasn’t there talk of Minnesota making a move to get Levis…how funny if the Vikes did nothing, and still get their guy?

Patrick

How funny would it be for Will Levis to be their guy?

Or anybody’s guy.

vballretired

Mayo in Minnesota?

Patrick

Will Levis to the Cowturds, who’s with me?!

Joe Critz

i think this is it

will levis goes here

l4blitzer

Well, in Minnesota, perhaps it is Lutefisk in his coffee?

vballretired

Levi’s has to be a Titan

Where and when does Addison go?

l4blitzer

Perhaps it would be even funnier if Addison goes to Minnesota…keep the run on WRs going.

Patrick

According to Brooks Kubena, the Texans traded their own first next year so we hold Cleveland’s first round pick for next year.

vballretired

Interesting. Gambling on being better than Cleveland

l4blitzer

Well, if Anderson and Stroud show they are worth their draft positions, it won’t be a bad move…and the team still has a 1st.

vballretired

Supposedly DeMeco already told Anderson how he would use him in their meeting

Patrick

Yeah, it’s a calculated risk, I just think it’s interesting they think the Browns will be worse than the Texans.

Addison to Minnesota.

[4th WR in a row. Jordan Addison to the Vikings]

vballretired

[KITTEN]

Cousins is a happy camper

Joe Critz

dang the receiver run is happening

so much for levis

l4blitzer

Can the Jags make it 5 in a row?

Patrick

Depends on if the GIants go WR too.

vballretired

Tennessee WR?

l4blitzer

Ah yes, make that the New Jersey Giants…

vballretired

Son of a….

I’ll take a center and at least kick ass up front

l4blitzer

Well, Hyatt caught the eye of some of the scouts.

vballretired

Sure and the Giants could use a WR

[WR run is over. Maryland CB Deonte Banks to the New Jersey Giants of New York]

l4blitzer

Buffalo is up

Joe Critz

its time for the bills to take will levis….

l4blitzer

That has some humor value

vballretired

Supposedly Hopkins will be traded this weekend

l4blitzer

Think Arizona is thinking they can get Houston’s other #1 pick for 2024?

Ok, Hopkins would rather play for a contender, but it would be amusing if that happened.

Joe Critz

wow!!!

idk how you stop the bills

[Dalton Kincaid of Utah to the Bills…first TE taken]

Joe Critz

great pick

l4blitzer

Stop the Bills…just be the Bengals…especially after that playoff game.

vballretired

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if it was all about the mayo?

l4blitzer

Maybe eating the entire banana turned some scouts off…

vballretired

Supposedly Dalton went in the second round because he is a ginger

So anything is possible

Patrick

I was like 20% serious that I’d quit if we drafted Will Levis and that mayo in the coffee is kind of why.

vballretired

You are still with us

Patrick

Because I’m a deeply stupid and loyal man.

l4blitzer

ESPN talking Michael Mayer to the ‘Boys…

vballretired

Here’s the funny thing. Our two best drafts were arguably by GMs with one foot out the door. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Nick to NE rumors were true? (edited)

Patrick

He can be their problem, him and BOB both, and I’d be more than fine with it.

l4blitzer

A better send off gift by Caserio than Lovie…unless Caserio sells off more of the 2024 draft this weekend and then goes all King from Platoon…”Goodbye mother[KITTENS]”

vballretired

Legend

How about a Cartman-esque “screw you guys, I’m going home”

Patrick

How Jerrah hasn’t turned into a bag of dust yet is beyond me.

vballretired

Keith Richards like

l4blitzer

All the bioweapon, er, Botox injections…quite the preservative

vballretired

Better than heroin

Patrick

That he outlived Jerry Springer is a crime against nature.

C’mon Will Levis, no whammy no whammy nowhammynowhammynowhammynowhammy STOP!

vballretired

Womp womp

l4blitzer

The Bengals ought to do an honorary “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry” chant when they come up for their pick

[DT Mazi Smith to Dallas]

l4blitzer

Was kinda hoping that this guy would fall to Houston later in the draft.

vballretired

My name is who, my name is what

l4blitzer

Glitter Kitties up

vballretired

Let’s see….they need…Levis

The Titans are bringing up the rear in the division and I’m here for it

Patrick

Insha-[KITTEN]in’-llah.

[Glitter Kitties go with OT Anton Harrison]

l4blitzer

More protection for Trevor Lawrence and his flowing golden hair

vballretired

Smart considering they will be without Cam Robinson for awhile

They making all grown up decisions

Patrick

I think if Nola doesn’t take Will Levis he’s falling to the second round. Poor [kitten].

vballretired

Here’s drinking to you

l4blitzer

Part of me wants to say that the BE-SF and Glitter Kitties saw us get Anderson, and they felt that they needed extra OL protection knowing they would see him twice a year.

But that is major Texans bias here…like writing for the Texans official website bias

vballretired

Hey make them react to us

It’s a John Harris take

l4blitzer

But ESPN did point out about Robinson being out.

Joe Critz

finally myles murphy got taken!

[Bengals don’t add a backup QB, but decide to go with Clemson DE Myles Murphy]

vballretired

Although Harris is a nice guy so bagging on him feels wrong

l4blitzer

I have no beef with Harris. He can usually call it when the Texans are derping…

Patrick

And he’s less wrong than a lot of Texans talking heads.

vballretired

They still doing Transformers? Geez

Patrick

As long as they keep making money on those [KITTEN]ty movies, they’ll keep doing them.

l4blitzer

Hence MOAR Fast and Furious movies

Patrick

And those Transformers movies are TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH

I thought this Fast X was supposed to be the last?

vballretired

Sadly true. I expect Fast and Furious 33 soon

Patrick

Or am I just being optimistic?

vballretired

Rocky 3000

Patrick

Because those movies are [KITTEN]ing stupid. And I say this as a stupid person.

l4blitzer

Depends on what the box office does. If it goes all John Wick 4, then there will be a Fast and Furious [Wherever the [KITTEN] they are in the series]

Patrick

Hang on. The John Wick movies are a delight.

l4blitzer

NOLA pick is in

True, but if I understand correctly, they were on the fence about another John Wick, but then 4 did great business, and now they are working on 5

Patrick

Well it looks like NOLA held serve there. Mrs. UT seems to think this is what Saints fans expected to end up with.

vballretired

If they are doing another Indiana Jones nothing is sacred. Has he discovered an artifact in the old age home?

[Another Clemson DL drafted, Bryan Bresee to NO]

Patrick

Although Phoebe Waller-Bridge is writing it so maybe it won’t be complete [KITTEN] like the last Indy movie was.

Or are all even numbered Indiana Jones movies fated to be [KITTEN]?

vballretired

Come on. Harrison Ford is what? 80?

Patrick

Hi, everyone, welcome to the late first round where the Texans won’t be picking.

l4blitzer

One can only hope. Unfortunately, Indiana Jones movies may be the inverse of the original Star Trek movies, as it was the odd numbered ones that sucked.

vballretired

Just watch, Nick is going deuces

Patrick

He is, but I think he can still sneer angrily with the best of them. If anything, being 80 might be a benefit in that regard.

vballretired

Oh the laughing Vulcan was a classic

l4blitzer

Does Levis return to the back room tomorrow, or does he just peace out to home, or wherever?

vballretired

That’s just depressing

Patrick

I’d hang out there. They probably have some pretty sweet snacks in the green room.

Also, you know he’s not getting out of the second round.

vballretired

Oh sure

I’ll bet the trail mix is stellar

l4blitzer

Will they have the same quality of snacks tomorrow, or will they just leave tonight’s snack out and not bother replacing them?

vballretired

Or just mayo and bananas because it’s only him

l4blitzer

Eh, you could leave out the mayo packets to cover your bases.

vballretired

Gotta have bananas

Patrick

I’m this close to making a rule that we don’t bring up either of those things because they’re [KITTEN]ing gross and I don’t need to be reminded of it. But I’m a better person than that.

Iggles picking now.

WHY COULDN’T Y’ALL HAVE WON THE SUPER BOWL AND MADE ALL THESE [KITTEN]-[KITTEN] CHIEFS FANS SAD?!

l4blitzer

Hey, after tomorrow night, we will likely have little reason to bring that subject up again, so we have to maximize it.

vballretired

Maybe say icksnay when he’s actually picked

Patrick

I suppose.

vballretired

Another swig

Patrick

OH BOY CONTENT CREATORS!!!

[KITTEN]ing kill me, please.

vballretired

Move on [KITTEN]

Did we really need this?

Patrick

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

l4blitzer

The NFL said yes, so you clearly needed it, like low-caliber Thursday night football games

Patrick

With the 30th pick, I choose to hang myself rather than listen to these F-list celebrities.

[DURGA][KITTEN]

vballretired

[KITTEN]ing Eagles are winning this round

l4blitzer

But are you using an NFL-approved hanging device?

Patrick

We got CJ Stroud and Will Anderson, what do you mean the Eagles are winning this round?

[Eagles continue to reload on defense with LB Nolan Smith]

Patrick

@l4blitzer No, I like to live life on the edge.

vballretired

This stupid [KITTEN] is brought to you by Lonestar Fertilizer. When you think [KITTEN]. Think Lonestar.

l4blitzer

How dare you use a non-NFL approved device? You follow the NFL, you only use NFL approved products. Hey…have we checked to see if Lonestar Fertilizer is approved by the NFL?

Patrick

Nobody gives a [KITTEN] about Kansas City, NFL. If they did, they’d have tourism or some [KITTEN].

vballretired

@Bartesian come on guys. Throw us a bone

l4blitzer

KC: You can’t actually draft a Lombardi trophy…no, not even two of them. And why are you short-changing the Super Bowl IV trophy? What, Len Dawson and Hank Stram not worthy like Mahomes and Reid?

vballretired

Stupid all the way around

Settling in here just as the night is ending

l4blitzer

Welp, while the commentators salivate over the Chiefs, I think it is safe to say that in the instant take department, Houston pretty much aced their biggest needs out of this draft already.

vballretired

Center and WR and they smoke it

l4blitzer

They should leave Saturday evening with those selected…in theory

vballretired

In theory

A second QB might actually be smart too if a talented one falls

[Kansas City went with the hometown product to close out the first round in DE Felix Anudike-Uzomah]

vballretired

Good night everyone

l4blitzer

Pull a 2012 Washington…could work.

vballretired

Especially if it’s an athletic guy

[…and with that, Round 1 complete. Day Two returns tomorrow, same Texans time, same Texans HOTD channel]

DAY 2

l4blitzer

Welcome to the morning after…when Texans fans are still…happy? thrilled?…emotions this fan base has not experienced since the pre-pandemic days.

[Meanwhile, this is your public service announcement to remember to hydrate and celebrate responsibly. That last part is likely an alien concept to our loyal BRB readers, so the TL:DR version of that concept is to drink not to dull any pain…caution is key]

Patrick

One word: Pedialyte. That [KITTEN] works wonders.

It felt nice to be able to happydrink about the Texans for a change.

vballretired

Gentlemen Jack for everyone

Remember folks. Enjoy @bartesian responsibly. It can makes those drinks faster than you can drink them. Mix in a water here and there

l4blitzer

Apparently the sporty-ball interwebs report that the Steelers are gettin’ a lot of offers for their 2nd rounder that leads off tonight’s draft. Think that Caserio is at it again to trade back up that high into the second?

Kenneth L.

Well if he wanted it he shouldn’t have traded that pick. We gave up one too many picks

vballretired

He’s definitely headed to Boston after this

He’s going “deuces you sons a bitches”

[Day 2, Round 2 of the Draft…FIGHT!!!!]

Patrick

Of course the Steelers took Joey Porter Jr.

Kenneth L.

I love Joey Porter JR.

that makes sooooo much sense

l4blitzer

Not bad for them, and the only way that pick could be more Pittsburgh, PA-ish is if Joey Porter, Jr. Is wearing a Steelers jersey, Penn State hat and drinking a can of Iron City Beer

Patrick

And holding a Primanti Brothers sandwich in the other hand.

l4blitzer

All while a Terrible Towel is displayed in the background

Patrick

Traitors trading up to 33.

Kenneth L.

[KITTEN] ohhh no

the AFC South just got wild

l4blitzer

Are mayo sales about to spike in Nash-Vegas?

Patrick

Please be Will Levis.

It’s gonna be Hendon Hooker, isn’t it?

l4blitzer

If it is…the 1st two picks of the night all play up the local kid flavor.

Patrick

THEY TOOK LEVIS! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

This is so much better than if the Cowboys took him!

Kenneth L.

hahah wow i will take it

l4blitzer

So apparently mayo-in-coffee and whole banana jokes are on the menu for the next few years…got it.

Kenneth L.

so we have three rookie QBs in the same division

l4blitzer

….and Trevor Lawrence is the dean of starting AFC South franchise QBs…now if you’ll excuse me, gotta tell those kids to get off my lawn again.

Kenneth L.

what did they give up??? ESPN still shows Tennessee Has their other pick.

l4blitzer

Draft speed is moving up tonight…this is good.

Kenneth L.

JEEZ there has to be something wrong with Michael Meyer for Sam freaking Laporta to go before him

wowza

Patrick

33rd and 81st picks in exchange for the 41st, 72nd pick and a third next year.

Kenneth L.

okay Detroit is flunking this draft LMAO

indianapolis is trading

l4blitzer

Is Arizona gonna trade with all of the AFC South teams this year? Would be quite the achievement.

l4blitzer

Not a terrible trade for the Ponies.

…and Mayer is off the board

Kenneth L.

Can I tell y’all who I hope falls and we trade for him or will that jinx it

Patrick

It’ll probably jinx it but jinxes aren’t real so you might as well.

l4blitzer

Go for it. Sometimes if you speak it, it can happen

Kenneth L.

hahahaha not a good pick by LAR

l4blitzer

We’ve already had the Fracking Bonkers scenario, so let’s add to it.

Kenneth L.

Hall to Seattle that makes a ton of sense for both. I really like Hall

okay colts move back AGAIN

Patrick

Falcons get the 38th for the 44th and 110th picks.

l4blitzer

Ex-Baltimore team just wants to own Day 3

Patrick

Okay Kenneth, you can’t keep us hanging, who do you want?

l4blitzer

Atlanta going to go Tennessee East???

Kenneth L.

I think we are going to trade up for John Michael Schmitz if he’s available in picks 50-55

if not him, then jalin hyatt. Something to support Stroud

l4blitzer

Either one of those would work

Kenneth L.

goood pick for saints that’s a quality fit

Kenneth L.

SHUT UP MEL KIPER

Patrick

Oh lord, what did helmet hair say now?

Kenneth L.

WOW THEY TOOK JOE TIPPMAN

idk why he is ahead of some of the other guys in the Big10

honestly thats [KITTEN]ing huge

however, it now shows you that we need to move up as the buffer at the position just went

l4blitzer

If they want Schmitz…yeah, they will need to move quickly. But will Caserio be willing give up one of the coveted 6th rounders?

Kenneth L.

can we get these colts fans off the screen please

i think it has to be a fourth or fifth

id do a fifth this year and a 6th next

l4blitzer

I don’t know if we have a 6th next year, but it will probably take a combo of a pick this year and next.

Patrick

Lions just traded up.

l4blitzer

Lions on the move…again

Kenneth L.

good pick

Patrick

This is going at breakneck speed now.

vballretired

Speed of litigation

l4blitzer

White just looks mad…but he now gets to go to New England, which for a defensive guy is hardly the worst thing in the world.

Patrick

Houston Sports Information Ministries (@HouSportsMinInf)

BRING. ME. THE. INFIDEL.

l4blitzer

Glad Cody Mauch could take a break from pillaging a Northern European village to be a part of the NFL draft.

Patrick

I so desperately want to make a Canute the Great joke but nobody would get it.

We don’t need a backup QB we already have American Hero Case Keenum.

vballretired

I’m missing something

Patrick

I’m joking.

vballretired

Why not kicker then

l4blitzer

Well, I was thinking more developmental, but we do have EJ Perry

7 more picks then we are back on the clock

Did the NJ Giants just steal the Smart/Tough/Dependable line?

Well, they stole Schmitz from us, so I guess they have as well.

Kenneth L.

now i am futurious

we easily could have moved up

Patrick

Oh no, Drew Pearson making the pick.

Ugh…

l4blitzer

Ok…call me when the monologue is over…

Patrick

The whole “five time super bowl champion” thing might be more impressive if there weren’t two other teams with more wins.

Losers.

l4blitzer

So, Georgia Tech is the feeder school for the Patriots, and the Michigan Fighting Khakis serves as the feeder school for the Cowboys…interesting.

How many championships could Cleveland claim if the Cowboys keep claiming the 5 Super Bowls, even though the last one was nearly 30 years ago? Or Washington for that matter?

Patrick

Or Houston, technically.

Kenneth L.

we are definitely getting close to our pick

Patrick

I would really appreciate if they could wind up day two in the next hour because I have hockey I need to watch.

Kenneth L.

im extremely surprised we did not trade up. Im honestly a bit upset. What are we going to do with all these day three picks???

Patrick

Draft players?

l4blitzer

Those 6th rounders are sacred to Caserio…gotta find the next Brady-type player.

Glitter Kitty pick is in

Patrick

TEXANS JUST TRADED UP!

Kenneth L.

[DURGA] [KITTEN] of course

vballretired

We still in the second?

Patrick

Technically yes.

vballretired

Like being sort of pregnant?

Kenneth L.

I have’t seen it yet

[Houston Traded up to the 62nd pick from Philadelphia]

Patrick

I just saw who the Texans took.

Does the name Juice Scruggs mean anything to y’all?

l4blitzer

NFL Network commentators really don’t have a good grasp of the trades going on here.

Patrick

Juice Scruggs, C – Penn State.

Joe Critz

OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Kenneth L.

who the [KITTENNNNNNN]

vballretired

My name is who? My name is what?

Kenneth L.

im furious

Joe Critz

He’s pretty good I promise! I got to watch him play a bit

vballretired

It’s slim shady

Patrick

They have to think Hyatt lasts into the third right?!

They have to, right?

Kenneth L.

[DURGA] brian cushing looks like a box of grease

l4blitzer

Well, it is a center, and the PSU run game did a lot better this year…ok, they had some much better RBs, but still, it does check a box for need.

Patrick

Hey, that’s JJ Watt’s BIL you’re talking about.

Kenneth L.

we gave up two picks for this guy???

Joe Critz

Hyatt or Tillman would’ve been better but Scruggs is pretty good

vballretired

I’m glad we got a center. It’d be better if I’d heard of him but can’t have everything

Patrick

Okay Joe, you’re our resident Penn State fan, what do you know about Scruggs?

[Moving to the 3rd Round]

Patrick

WHO THE [KITTEN] IS THIS SCHMUCK MAKING THE BEARS PICK AND WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE?!

vballretired

Another swig?

Joe Critz

Ppl would scream JUIIICEEE at the games I went to and he was a very solid interior lineman for psu in 2021 and 2022

l4blitzer

Will Georgia continue to be the feeder school for the Eagles?

Joe Critz

I’m biased but if he stays healthy and continues upward trajectory can be a great backup or eventual starter

vballretired

Sounds promising

Joe Critz

Also doesn’t surprise me Ryans wants to get a bunch of linemen this year and dig into the run to help Stroud

But yknow…Tillman or Josh Downs would be cool

Kenneth L.

backup or eventual starter??? im not looking for that in a second rounder

vballretired

Nope

Patrick

He has to be better than Quessenberry, right?

l4blitzer

If they can bring the Shanahan running game system here, that might overcome a number of issues…

vballretired

I might be better than Quessenberry

Joe Critz

Hahaha

Kenneth L.

my [DURGA] if we can get Kelee Ringo in the third id freak out

l4blitzer

Well, we are 7 picks out

Joe Critz

Yeah that’d be a great pick

vballretired

WR

Joe Critz

Idk this draft and last year’s draft there’s been a lot of disparity between who analysts and the collective football audience thought would be drafted in the top 100 and who was actually drafted in the top 100

I don’t remember there being this many like exciting, highly rated players just still hanging around this deep into the draft

Patrick

I’m hoping we get something good with our next pick, assuming we don’t trade up again.

WE TRADED UP AGAIN!

WE GOT THE PICK AFTER THE LIONS!

[KITTEN], this is gonna be a real fast draft for the Texans AFTER ALL

Tonight? Probably not unless we trade up again.

vballretired

Any picks left after this?

Kenneth L.

DID WE JUST DO THIS AGAIN

Patrick

Sure as [KITTEN] we did.

TANK DELL!

WE GOT TANK [KITTEN]IN’ DELL GO COOGS!

vballretired

What position does he play?

Kenneth L.

we have the 69th pick lmaoooo

also fantastic pick for Detroit thats a great deal for them

Patrick

Wide receiver

Kenneth L.

we took tank???

l4blitzer

That would’ve never happened if Jack Easterby was still around

Patrick

WE GOT TANK!

vballretired

Awesome. Just BPA with Mr irrelevant

l4blitzer

After this, provided we don’t trade back into the 3rd, we have 2 x 4ths, 2 x 6ths, Mr. Irrelevant

vballretired

We’ve checked all the boxes of absolute needs

Kenneth L.

agree!

l4blitzer

Guess we look for LB/DL depth if viable, but BPA at this point wouldn’t be terrible

Kenneth L.

If we can move up and get trenton simpson I will freak out like no other

Patrick

I wanted Jalin Hyatt but what the [KITTEN] ever we got a COOG!!!

l4blitzer

Interesting stat: Tank is the 1st Houston Cougar drafted by the Texans…ever

Patrick

I’m so happy.

This is better than having American Hero Case Keenum on the team!

(which isn’t great but he’s a Coog so I’m fine, but still!)

Joe Critz

TANK DELL WOOOO

Tank dell is great!!!

Kenneth L.

gives me jerry jeudy vibes

they must know something we dont about Jalin Hyatt

Patrick

Yeah, did I miss something about him? Did he get caught [KITTEN]ing a goat that wasn’t his wife?

l4blitzer

Welp, that answers the question about Hyatt. Destined for New Jersey

Patrick

Jalin Hyatt to the Giants.

Kenneth L.

Dream remaining picks that are realistic: Darius Rush CB from South Carolina, DeMarvion Overshown, and Devon Achane

Patrick

Are those third day picks?

I’m relying on y’all, because I’m a moron after all.

Kenneth L.

yes and no most are day two picks that based on the current boards could easily fall

l4blitzer

Cleveland has entered the draft

Back-to-Back Vols WRs

Patrick

I want to call the dedicated detectives of the Law and Order Special Victims Unit on the Cleveland Browns. No reason why.

l4blitzer

You…you were just watching the latest Law and Order SVU marathon on cable…that’s the ticket, yeah…

A Bud Light ad just made an appearance on TV…couldn’t tell you why that might be a significant thing…

Patrick

Seeing a picture of Caserio looking smug as hell and I want to whup his ass. Even though he drafted a Coog and so far has had a pretty [KITTEN] good draft.

That’s a question: how are y’all feeling about the Texans draft so far?

Joe Critz

Nooo i love Josh downs!!! Why did the colts have to ruin it and take him

l4blitzer

Logical answer: talk to me in 2026. Hawt Taek answer: better than bad, it’s good. Resolved the biggest issues and if the 2 and 3 picks work out, we have the franchise cornerstones you need to actually win something in the league

Patrick

Who is this [KITTEN]er making the pick for Tennessee? I want his head on a pike.

Kenneth L.

good pick with spears

vballretired

Why do I give a [KITTEN] about some unknown safety and his karaoke go to song?

Kenneth L.

Ugh I wanted Devon Achane

l4blitzer

Honestly, a 3rd round NFL safety vs. the Republic of Korea president doing karaoke at an official White House dinner…yeah, Imma gonna go with the ROK president every day of the week and twice on days discussing nuclear deterrence.

vballretired

Imagine some GM “I had a fifth round grade on him but I heard him sing Piano Man and….”

l4blitzer

If he can read a mean Book of Matthew, Easterby would’ve drafted him post-haste

vballretired

Nah, he’s a Luke guy

l4blitzer

Eh, go with Mark and then see if they can manage that last chapter…the real test…

Patrick

I wanna see him read the apocryphal stuff.

Kenneth L.

id love if houston moved up and took ringo

wow great pick by the cowboys he will be a great alternative to Micah Parsons. Wish he was a Texan. They did select him a bit early

vballretired

Who is this [KITTEN] clown?

Patrick

A Canadian influencer saying KC has the best barbecue is almost too on the [DURGA][KITTEN] nose. KC barbecue barely qualifies as food, let alone barbecue. All that sauce making excuses for their bad food. For SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.

vballretired

Canadian influencer? Is that an oxymoron?

Patrick

Sure feels like it.

vballretired

KC is so cute about their BBQ. Sounds like my wife’s cousin who said they like things big in Oklahoma.

Patrick

[DURGA][KITTEN] Goodell, speed this up, I got a hockey game to watch.

Also, dinner is ready and I could use a commercial.

Man, that’s timing!

vballretired

I love watching these rabid idiots. You could have their team draft Irv Cross and they’d hoot and holler

Joe Critz

darnell washington is gigantic

vballretired

Yeah. That would have been nice.

Patrick

WOIHGOSITN;LVHET;OEIVHE;WRIHRG!!! The Kraken scored!

And the Avs scored back. [KITTEN].

Joe Critz

A kicker!!! Jake moody

I wouldn’t mind the Texans taking a backup running back like Roschon Johnson from Texas or Israel Abanikanda from Pitt

vballretired

Zach Evans?

DAY 3

[NFL Draft Day 3; All the big shortfalls addressed (in theory). On to the bonus rounds]

Joe Critz

Here we goooo

What are even the Texans biggest needs at this point

Linebacker?

l4blitzer

I would say LB and CB, especially for depth

Joe Critz

Yeah I think you’re right

Kelee Ringo still hasn’t been taken!

Kenneth L.

Uhhhhggg did we trade away both picks???

l4blitzer

Looks like we’re trying to restock a little for ‘24 on this one

Patrick

Gotta replenish those sixth rounders for next year.

“We have KC barbecue masters” Such a thing does not exist.

l4blitzer

Well, for now it is a 3rd, but we can flip it for MOAR 6ths

Patrick

Texans trade: Texans get: 109 174 Raiders get: 104 203

l4blitzer

We can trash KC, but honestly, it looks a gorgeous day to be there for the draft

[Editor’s note: See Kansas City Chamber of Commerce, we can say something nice about your city…now about that endorsement money…]

Patrick

We could’ve had Kelee friggin’ Ringo, Nick.

l4blitzer

Georgia continuing to supply the Iggles with defenders

Joe Critz

Dylan Horton?

l4blitzer

If he plays like he did against Michigan, it might just work…

Would like to see the Texans leave today with another CB and LB, but at this point, I can stomach BPA

Patrick

Hey, at least we haven’t taken a kicker.

Stetson Bennett to the Rams.

Joe Critz

Stetson Bennett vs. Stafford 2023 camp highlights

Clayton tune vs. Kyler murray 2023

Honestly though I’m excited to see if tune becomes a good backup

Patrick

I hope so, more Coogs in the NFL is never a bad thing.

l4blitzer

Sean Clifford in the 5th? Seems high, but if Green Bay wants to do that, not going to say no…

Joe Critz

SEAN CLIFFORD LOL

wooooo!

As a psu fan I’m happy but I didn’t expect him to be drafted or end up in the 7th round

l4blitzer

I was seeing him as a camp guy, but he must have shown something during the workouts. When he was on, Clifford was one of the top QBs in the B10, but man could he be maddeningly inconsistent.

Joe Critz

Exactly

But sometimes he has a game (Michigan state 2019 or Maryland 2019) where, like Levis, you can see a compelling passer that can attack midfield and has enough awareness to keep some plays alive

But everyone has a game sometimes

Surprised rb chase brown hasn’t been taken yet

Patrick

Texans are 15 picks away from being on the clock and Dameon Pierce and Devin Singletary need a friend.

TEXANS TRADE UP!

Joe Critz

oh shoot!

l4blitzer

Who do we really, really want here?

Joe Critz

chase brown or to’oto’o

I THINK WE GOT TO’OTO’O

l4blitzer

Thought the Bengals got Brown…if To’oto’o, I’m good with that

Patrick

We did. Henry To’oTo’o, LB, Bama.

Philly might be becoming Georgia but the Texans are turning into Alabama.

Joe Critz

oh they did a couple picks ago you’re right, i missed it

wooo to’oTo’o is a good LB and i can’t believe he feel this far

l4blitzer

Needed LB depth. This works.

Just 2 6ths left. We sacrified Mr Irrelevant.

Patrick

DeMeco Ryans going to be on NFL Network soon.

l4blitzer

Beats out Ka’imi Fairbairn for most apostrophes on the team

Patrick

You haven’t seen Fairbairn’s full name have you?

John Christian Kaʻiminoeauloamekaʻikeokekumupaʻa “Kaʻimi” Fairbairn

l4blitzer

Ah yes, the long form. One can overlook that from time to time

Patrick

Texans traded their 191st to the Eagles for 230 and 248.

Texans pick coming up soon-ish. Any thoughts on who we want?

vballretired

RB

Joe Critz

rb or wr would be cool

Kenneth L.

I bet we take take Zach Evans here

He is from Houston. Went to north shore. Absolute baller

vballretired

Evans can be a steal

Still [KITTEN]ed he left TCU

Patrick

Well, we’re gonna find out in five picks.

Kenneth L.

The Saints took my guy AT Perry. Would have been a steal in the 6th

Joe Critz

Notre Dame OL Jarrett Patterson

Patrick

Jarrett Patterson, OL, Notre Dame is the pick.

Almost beat you to it.

Joe Critz

Haha you basically did cuz u had to type more

I don’t know anything about this guy

Wore a gold helmet

Patrick

He’s a center apparently and that’s all I know about him.

vballretired

Center competition this summer

Kenneth L.

WE DRAFTED ANOTHER CENTER??????

Hahahaah what are we doing

Patrick

Hedging against center inflation?

vballretired

Lance Z’s profile is meh on him. Projected as a backup or special teams guy

Joe Critz

This shouldn’t have been Jarrett Patterson OL from Notre Dame, this should’ve been Jaret Patterson RB from Buffalo!

vballretired

But with the Miami free agent that’s three non Quessenberry options at center

Kenneth L.

Tbh I like Patterson over Scruggs

vballretired

It’s competition. Let the best man win

We know Quessenberry sucks. You now have several decent interior lineman options.

Maybe Kenyon Green can be motivated with some competition

Patrick

Texans just traded up to 205.

vballretired

Come on Evans

Patrick

There are decades where nothing happens and there are days where decades happen. This draft is definitely the latter.

WR Xavier Hutchinson is the pick, out of Iowa State.

vballretired

Heavy production but a backup grade from Lance Z. Seems like a Nico Collins type with actual college production.

102 catches this past year

Patrick

Texans give up the 230th and a fourth rounder next year for Hutchinson.

vballretired

What do we have as far as picks next year?

Patrick

Not sure, I’m still looking.

vballretired

If we have seven or eight picks it’s all good

Patrick

The last I saw we had the standard number for next year but who knows how that’s changed now.

vballretired

Are we out of picks today?

Patrick

I think we’ve got one more.

A very late seventh rounder is all we’ve got left at the moment.

vballretired

Lots of RBs will be available as UDFA. I’ve never understood why Nick never signed two or three every year and just went with the best one over the expensive [KITTEN]ty veterans

l4blitzer

Caserio on the running backs: “something, something, experienced, something, something, Patriot style, something something…”

Reading up on the Cs, both could potentially play guard, but Patterson is more likely of the two to shift from center from what I gather on a quick read of scouting reports…

vballretired

Evans and Deuce off the board.

Did anyone pick Clayton Tune?

Patrick

Cardinals a few rounds ago.

vballretired

I think the Heisman runner up is still on the board

He could be a homeless man’s Taysom Hill

Come on Mad Max

vballretired

And we’ve reached the 1980s hair bands portion of the proceedings

Quiet Riot waiting backstage

None of the women dancers were born when these guys were last relevant

l4blitzer

Now that we’ve hit the 7th round, as a player, would you rather get drafted here or go the UDFA route? Yes, the draft offers a little more security, but you would have more freedom to go where you could. Not sure what I would think as a player, but that’s just me.

Patrick

Drafted. The contract is usually better than what a UDFA gets as a signing bonus.

vballretired

Depends on how confident you are. I’d probably take what little guarantees I could get

l4blitzer

Could see that. Probably if you get cut as a 7th rounder, you might have a better chance to land a roster vs. as a UDFA.

Patrick

Max Duggan to the Chargers.

vballretired

[KITTEN]

Patrick

9 picks until the Texans are up.

vballretired

25 Georgia players taken in the last two drafts

Patrick

Last pick for the Texans coming up.

Brandon Hill, S, Pitt is the pick.

vballretired

It’s been fun guys.

l4blitzer

Welp…the draft is done. Now, we wait for the preseason.

WRAP-UP: During the season, this section of the HOTD is reserved for game balls/game shames. However, since it is the draft, everyone is optimistic, so everyone give yourselves a game ball. Extra credit to Nick Caserio, who went wild to try to solve the roster holes, to DeMeco Ryans for working with Caserio, and to Cal McNair for getting the [KITTEN] out of the way and letting the football people do football things. Final grades for this draft will come due in 2026, but by then, we should be in a more optimistic place.