Hair of the Dog: Week 1, Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens…and so it begins

Welcome to the start of the 2023 season…with a loss.

Finally. After six long months of waiting, the NFL is back…the for real games that actually count. It is a time when 32 fanbases all have optimism that maybe, just maybe, their team is the one to win it all. Then the games actually start. For Houston, few places could be as horrid to start the season with a rookie head coach, quarterback, defensive and offensive coordinator as the very, very unfriendly confines of M&T Stadium. The venue is celebrating 25 years of existence, but for Houston, celebration is not the word they would use. For the seventh time in franchise history, the Texans came to Charm City, and they left it with a loss, this time to the tune of 25-9.

Yes, it was not exactly a great result, but amid the fallout of another loss to Baltimore, there are some positive signs. The defense, especially in the first half, made life rough for the Ravens. Stroud was a rookie who made some poor mistakes, but who also held up pretty well given the lack of any semblance of protection on his right side and a punishing Baltimore offense. The game was competitive into the fourth quarter, and all things considered, this was not the worst type of loss for the team. Plus, the fan experience in Baltimore is actually pretty cool. The Baltimore natives love their team, but unlike other fanbases, they are not really [KITTENS] to other fans. If the Texans rebuild goes well, and these squads play here again at that time, would recommend a visit.

As always, your Battle Red Blog masthead had their real-time takes on the game, from those in stadium to those watching at different locations. We covered everything from the action on the field, to discussions of the power of a mullet guy with a leather vest to curse the Texans. Standard HOTD decorum applies, with all questionable words replaced with something a bit more suitable to the workplace, even in the post-COVID, return-to-work-drive-by-power-mad-execs-trying-to-recoup-their-lease-moneys business environment.

With that, one to the first ‘Dog of the Regular Season:

HOTD WEEK 1: HOUSTON TEXANS @ BALTIMORE RAVENS…and may [Durga] have mercy on our souls

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This game is unofficially being brought to you by Bartesian. Yes, this thing really exists. It makes 100s of cocktails flawlessly (one at a time of course) and can help get you through that rough game if it starts going the wrong way or to celebrate if the miraculous happens. We are BRB would like to remind you to never drive or operate heavy machinery while enjoying Bartesian.

l4blitzer

Field doesn’t look too bad given the rain over the past night, but will be curious to see how slick it gets once the game starts

It is both sunny and rainy at the stadium. What that means for the game, I have no idea

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JJ Watt on the CBS pregame show

Patrick

I heard there’s gonna be thunderstorms in the area so be careful, okay?

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Or you could hold a graphite driver straight in the air. Call it a 21st century Benjamin Franklin experiment

l4blitzer

Latest wx projections didn’t have the storms hitting until the game is likely over

Nah, just get the 1-iron…the club that even [Durga] can’t hit

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But if Jack Nicklaus is near the stadium….

l4blitzer

There’s a dude near my seat that has already removed his shirt…let the weirdness begin

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Is he chest paint guy?

l4blitzer

Nope…just working on his tan…I guess

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Only in Baltimore. They think they are in the south so it oddly fits

l4blitzer

No footing issues with the warmups, so maybe not too wet a field at this time

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Is it grass or the fake stuff?

l4blitzer

Grass

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Yup seeing it now

Looks like the fifth string CBS crew

It’s Slone Fortenberry and Wedge Fickus on the call

l4blitzer

Ravens marching band on the field. Better on the ears than the standard stadium fair

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Indeed

l4blitzer

Some other guys close to me sporting some pro bowl mullets here

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What is it called when you have a mullet and a merm?

Other than a sin against both Durga and nature

l4blitzer

OBJ pulling off his Ray Lewis impression in the intros

Patrick

He kill anybody, too?

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What happens off the field…..

Patrick

Oh sure make excuses.

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Just saying…..

Eight long months coming to an end. Here we go

l4blitzer

A-10 flyover…that will never not get old

Texans won the toss…at least they will win something

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NFL now leaning into gambling but if a player places a five dollar on the weekend hot dog eating contest he’s suspended for the year

Baltimore gets it first

Patrick

Surely you don’t expect billionaires to create one set of rules for us and another set for themselves, right?

TEXANS START ON DEFENSE

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Penalty starts the Ravens in their own ten. Four yards off tackle

Good open field tackle by Stingley

Patrick

Sacked his [KITTEN]!

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Sack by Greenard!!!!!!!!

Ravens go three and out

TEXANS FIRST POSSESSION

Patrick

Okay offense show me something.

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Nice opening run

Stroud the leading receiver. He’s doing everything out there

l4blitzer

Welp…your first pass completion is to yourself…well then

Patrick

Good heads up play by Stroud there.

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It’s a Leon commercial waiting to happen

l4blitzer

Going with the quick pass attempt…that will help

TEXANS PUNT

Patrick

Roughing the punter?

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Oooh, all penalty offense?

Not cowards

Patrick

Oh my [Durga] they’re going for it.

l4blitzer

Ouch time

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Well kittens

Patrick

And it went exactly as expected. Sigh…

l4blitzer

No protection at all on that one

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Maybe a naked bootleg isn’t the call with this line

I like the aggressiveness but maybe find a better play

TEXANS TURN IT OVER ON DOWNS

Patrick

To’o To’o making a play there.

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Perryman!

l4blitzer

Textbook stuff there

Greenard scaring the tackle

Fans already calling for Greg Roman’s return

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Crazy stupid athleticism

Interception!!!!!

l4blitzer

Welcome to the offense optional portion of the game

Patrick

Steven Nelson y’all!

STEVEN NELSON PICKS OFF JACKSON

l4blitzer

Mullet guy going full red neck with no shirt and a leather vest

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With chew? Please tell me he has chew

Patrick

L4, are you talking about yourself? You have to tell us if you are, it’s like being a cop.

l4blitzer

No…I am a cueball…so no mullet action for me

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Is it like Fight Club where’s he’s how you view your alter ego?

Patrick

Not uh, not an ideal throw from Stroud there.

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Good run my Pierce

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I mean who wouldn’t see themselves as Brad Pitt?

l4blitzer

Fans caused that time out

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Wow, great play but…..

Patrick

Holding. That figures.

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Tunsil on the hold

l4blitzer

Well…no time on the passes so far…

Patrick

That’s a third and I give up.

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Three and out….sort of

TEXANS GO THREE AND OUT

l4blitzer

Too directional on the punt there…best spiral seen on the field so far

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It’s our second team punter

I mean third team center, maybe third team guard, rookie QB and rookie play caller. Geez this is a rough way to start the season.

l4blitzer

Fans cheering the early 49ers lead

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Possum Holler with an early lead in the Big Easy

Patrick

Tied up now.

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Mayo sales up in Nashville

l4blitzer

Good thing Lamar handed that off…3 Texans crashed that spot

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Better linebacker play so far

Jacktown already leading

Kittens

Kenneth L.

[Durga] this game is slow

l4blitzer

Lamar running though the defense…shades of 2019 here

Kenneth L.

Zay flowers is going to be good

Patrick

The Washington Waste Managements just scored a TD.

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Maybe they could be the Civilians

Blown tackle by someone

l4blitzer

42 with the poor effort

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Notorious small stakes gambler Calvin Ridley with the first game break

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Textbook blown coverage

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That was kitteny coverage

Chop block on defense

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And there was rejoicing and shaking of the seats in Charm City

TOUCHDOWN RAVENS ON A DOBBINS RUN

Kenneth L.

Ughhhhh here comes the ravens. Hi Dobbins

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The defense looks better. They just can’t afford to be out there 40 minutes

Patrick

Does anybody else remember Dobbins playing for the Texans or did I just hallucinate that?

l4blitzer

Crazy [KITTEN] bald Ravens fan now leading the chant

And a shoutout to the O’s

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I think I blacked out on that period in Texans history

TEXANS THIRD POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Had him…just a bit outside

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Welcome Daulton Schultz.

l4blitzer

Middle of the oline getting murdered on 3rd downs

IT’S ANOTHER THREE AND OUT

Patrick

Okay I guess I did just hallucinate Dobbins being a Texan.

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I can’t confirm or deny

Richardson apparently looking good so far

l4blitzer

Disagree with the flag there

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[KITTEN]. Interference

Patrick

Of course that’s a flag.

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Ok, the run defense looks better

Oh [Durga] another flag

l4blitzer

Refs throwing more than the QBs right now

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All penalty defense

Kenneth L.

That’s a badddd call

l4blitzer

Heard that collision up here

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Thomas and Stingley with a good open field tackle

Beautiful blitz by Pitre.

l4blitzer

Pitre nearly murdered Jackson

RAVENS POSSESSION ENDS IN PUNT

Patrick

O Cap’n, my Cap’n Meco.

l4blitzer

Mullet guy is away…replaced by vocal dancing fan waving the free flags

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Is it too soon to take a knee?

“If we go three and out, we’re good”

l4blitzer

Pierce running hard. Just waiting to truck someone

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A Stroud run for three

Patrick

Have we gotten a first down yet?

l4blitzer

Just did

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It’s a first down!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Woods with the reception

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Welcome to Houston Robert Woods

Patrick

Trying this again, have we gotten a touchdown yet

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Pierce running hard

l4blitzer

Please stand by…please stand by

At least we avoided the INT

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Holy Durga that was interesting

Patrick

What the [KITTEN] was that?!

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crowd forced another TO

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Another timeout as Stroud catches his breath

First down!!!!!!!

l4blitzer

just made it

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You gotta show a pulse before you can crawl

l4blitzer

Ah, the Kuiback bootleg to the TE lives

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Decent play with positive yards

Civilians and Cardinals,…the NFL…it’s fantastic

l4blitzer

Not sure I want Stroud with the headfirst dives

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Another rush for Stroud

Last timeout

l4blitzer

No more TOs…crowd is getting louder

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Another first down

l4blitzer

Now we have to covert w/out TOs

Quick release by Stroud…and none too soon

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Another positive play

l4blitzer

Matriculating that ball down the field

Patrick

The hat they’re making these coaches wear is butt ugly.

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Man, nice bullet to Collins

l4blitzer

Stevens from the Ravens with the stick

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Pierce is a beast

l4blitzer

Defense getting some good rest here

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Absolutely

Patrick

Some much needed rest.

l4blitzer

No chance on that swing pass

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No, too far behind the line of scrimmage.

Here comes the Hawaiian

Patrick

Glory to all field goal offense.

l4blitzer

Hey…no shut out

RAVENS 7, TEXANS 3

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There were some nice throws on that drive. It’s not great but a glimmer of hope.

l4blitzer

More cheering for the 49ers here

BALTIMORE FOURTH POSSESSION

Patrick

Well they are thumping the Steelers.

l4blitzer

At least 3 whiffs on that one

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Damn cheat code

Great effort by Anderson

Nice by Greenard

l4blitzer

At least they wrapped on the one, but really got to look at contain

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Watching Jackson was like using Bo Jackson in Technobowl

l4blitzer

Or, you blow up the middle of their line

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They force a punt on consistent pressure

TEXANS POSSESSION

Two minute offense with zero timeouts. I’m just overwhelmed with confidence

l4blitzer

Hey, if we avoid the turnover or give up the last second TD, it will be a win

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Channel your inner David Culley

l4blitzer

No, that would be the quick kick on 3rd down

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If it works…….

l4blitzer

Face mask BAL

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That makes sense but a flag

Very nice

Patrick

Wow, they DO call fouls against the Ravens.

l4blitzer

Clowney on the field

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Singletary is better than any non-Pierce back we’ve had since Lamar Miller

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Now BAL takes a TO

Patrick

Pitre headed for the locker room per Brooks Kubena.

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[KITTEN]

Those are bad hats

Tank Dell!!!!!!!!

l4blitzer

Natives are not happy

Patrick

Taaaaaaank!

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That was almost a pick

l4blitzer

Uncatchable

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That play didn’t work

Joe Camraman the intended receiver

Patrick

Just about threw that ball into Chesapeake Bay.

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Boone with the clutch drop in the flat

l4blitzer

Now we join the flag party…thanks Tunsil

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False start or traveling. On Tunsil of course

Jim Sideline the intended receiver

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Refs getting more boos than us

Patrick

Glory to all penalty offense.

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Roughing the passer!!!!!!

l4blitzer

The Bull[KITTEN] chants starting

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All penalty offense……

l4blitzer

Mullet guy has not returned. When he left, the game went better for us…pure causation

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Maybe he’s adding a merm

Patrick

Like an executive power mullet?

l4blitzer

Wait…we have Mullet guy…but no vest…it was the vest…yeah, that’s it

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A man perm….the merm

Kevin Costner

l4blitzer

Well, at least Stroud is throwing where the Ravens can’t get it. We can’t either, but no pick

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Stroud having accuracy issues on the move

Huge hit. Time for the Hawaiian

l4blitzer

This is where one of those TOs would have been nice

Down just 7-6…I’ll take it

RAVENS 7, TEXANS 6 AT THE HALF

l4blitzer

Real quiet here right now

Patrick

Considering I was expecting this to be a boat race, and I imagine most of the rest of the world expected the same, this is definitely an improvement.

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Stroud is 13 for 20 for 91 yards. It’s pretty much on par with the stated plan. With the exception of one I’ll advised throw on the run he’s taken good care of the ball and made good decisions. The line is struggling as they can’t mount a consistent running game.

The star of the game is the defense. They’ve allowed only 110 yards and put constant pressure on Jackson. Jackson is a superior athlete and that likely will be the difference but I’m proud of these guys so far.

Carlos Flores

This feels very much like the days where we had a #1 defense and pissed it away on offense.

But we’re hanging in there!

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I’m the old man that discovers tech 10 years after everyone else and acts like I invented it

And now the Taco Bell halftime report brought to you by Verizon during the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial break.

That hard hitting satire is brought to you by Bartesian

Patrick

And we’re back.

TEXANS START SECOND HALF WITH BALL

l4blitzer

Inexperience showing here…that and Ravens are covering the key read

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Fant with the lookout block

Flag on the play

Patrick

Of course it’s against Houston.

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Nine yard dump falls short of first down

THREE AND OUT FOR OFFENSE

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Kittens

l4blitzer

Just what BAL needed

Now Baltimore with the dumb TO…maybe

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Nope

l4blitzer

Flowers won the misdirection there

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That Flowers kid can play

l4blitzer

Harris doesn’t have that kinda vertical

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Okay with both safeties out this will be painful

Patrick

Looks like this is where the Ravens will take over the game.

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Nice play by Stewart

l4blitzer

Well, if the oline made their halftime adjustments…yep

Patrick

We haven’t heard Stingley’s name yet this entire game which I can only take as an encouraging sign.

l4blitzer

Jackson powered out of 55’s hands

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Another Technobowl move by Jackson

Touchdown Ravens

Patrick

Welp.

Kenneth L.

Nelson lions slow

They have adjusted to our defense

RAVENS 15, TEXANS 6

l4blitzer

Offside Houston…Ravens going for 2 at the 1

…and he got it

Patrick

Did anyone see who was going into the underworld for Baltimore?

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Dobbins

Patrick

That just feels unnecessary, going for two at that point.

l4blitzer

Think Harbaugh wants to send two messages…to his team, to get them off their [kittens]…and to us to crush our souls

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Our souls have been permacrushed since 2019

l4blitzer

That was quite the flag throw by the back judge there

Flag covered 15-20 yards

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Pierce is still a good back

l4blitzer

Oh look, MOAR flags

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Another negative passing play

Offensive holding

l4blitzer

Well, at least Stroud didn’t take the sack

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Nice drop

l4blitzer

Going for it…why not?

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Nice throw to Collins but short of the first. Going for it again.

l4blitzer

Maybe we should rugby scrum

And we didn’t get it

Patrick

Sighhhhhhh…

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Maybe running to the side with the [KITTEN]ty tackle wasn’t a good move

l4blitzer

Maybe we need the rugby scrum in the playbook…or direct snap to Pierce

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Maybe running behind Fant on the short side is just brain dead stupid.

l4blitzer

I get supporting the team and dancing and all…but doing while going all selfie for Tik-Tok…yeah, now get off my lawn

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2022 run defense with that one

l4blitzer

Texans just missed an opportunity

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Fumble but they recovered

Who is 91?

l4blitzer

91 injured

Ridgeway

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Interference by Stingley

l4blitzer

And another flag…

Kill shot time

Patrick

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Here comes the kraken

l4blitzer

Hill with another rushing TD

Patrick

And now the avalanche.

RAVENS 22, TEXANS 6

l4blitzer

I am going to have that Ravens song stuck in my head all night now

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Was that a commercial advertising Derek Carr? Can I buy him at Target for 39.95?

Patrick

Seems overpriced.

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Most Target stuff is

l4blitzer

Actually saw a dude here wearing an old school Carr jersey…of the maybe 50-70 Texans fans I’ve seen so far

Old bald Ravens rally dude at it again

Patrick

Don’t worry he’ll be dead soon.

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That felt dark

l4blitzer

…and we are adding to the flag total. The refs will need Tommy John surgery after this

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Timeout instead

Kenneth L.

Ravens are in business tn

l4blitzer

The ref still threw the flag…like a foul after 2 strikes…part of the pitch count

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The Cardinals are winning???!!!!

l4blitzer

All hail the power of Josh Dobbs

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Third and short

l4blitzer

Niners killing the Steelers

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Nice throw to Collins up the middle

Throw to Dell for first down

l4blitzer

Now on the Ravens side of the field

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Singletary is not as good as Pierce but a really good second back

Patrick

Bring me the head of whoever makes those Burger King ads.

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Ugggg

Nevermind

Patrick

That was a pretty throw.

l4blitzer

74…thanks

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Okay, Woods a good addition but Jones with his second holding penalty

Patrick

Of course it doesn’t count. That would be stupid.

l4blitzer

Nice effort, but no dice

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Drop by Woods

Kenneth L.

This offensive line stinks rn

l4blitzer

Anderson nearly got there

Bad drop by 88

Kenneth L.

Patrick Queen is a good player

l4blitzer

Nice catch by OBJ…

We got it back

Jackson just dropped it

In the red zone…now the Ravens with the penalty

Patrick

Quitoriano with his one catch of the day.

Kenneth L.

BALL BALL LETS GO

l4blitzer

Now playing Jimmie Buffett over the stadium intercom

Patrick

Dobbins has a torn Achilles per Rapoport.

Kenneth L.

Fourth quarter!

Oh no that’s horrible to hear

l4blitzer

Untimed down for HOU

…and that blew up in our faces

No blockers on that right side

Patrick

[DURGA] [KITTEN]ing [KITTEN] some protection for Stroud if you please.

l4blitzer

Lotta traffic on that attempt

Think we have an illegal touch here

Correction, illegal shift

Patrick

Close enough.

l4blitzer

Saw the linesman with his hat off

Patrick

Oh boy. More field goals.

l4blitzer

I guess if that was a catch on the shift play, we would have…but 4th and greater than 10 with this team…

Commanders reclaim the lead

l4blitzer

MOAR flags

Bad tackling effort there

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Uggg, trying to edit headline

l4blitzer

Stanley down for the Ravens

Fans not happy with Jackson right now

Anderson with the sack…and it stands!!!

Patrick

Woooooooooo!

l4blitzer

The Watsons are taking it to the Bungles…KITTEN!!!

Patrick

Ugh.

l4blitzer

Just a bad throw by Stroud…he had time

77 down

Patrick

Fant.

l4blitzer

Fant walking off under his own power

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Well kittens

l4blitzer

Ravens ball…

Patrick

[KITTEN].

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Deiter beat

Indy in front

l4blitzer

Next BAL score should do it

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[KITTEN] this one was already over

l4blitzer

Most likely, but the slim embers will be extinguished with that or a couple of 1st downs

Kenneth L.

Welp that suckkkkkks

l4blitzer

Now they all go nuts with OBJ’s catch

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That should do it. Notice it was Griffin covering and not Stingley.

l4blitzer

MOAR flags

Refs calling into the bullpen for fresh arms

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Run defense has been better

l4blitzer

Another Raven injured…think it is their center

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Yup

l4blitzer

Backup center taking practice snaps

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Bring in the MASH unit

l4blitzer

Just saw on the stadium board that we have actually run more plays than Baltimore to this point 58-53

Kenneth L.

Linderbaum going to be out for the season

One of my favorites

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He was walking

l4blitzer

Thomas not playing around with that tackle on Flowers

Hey, the Ravens are copying our playbook

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Thomas making plays and sticking up his middle finger to Ron Hughley and Clint Stoerner

Greenard having a [KITTEN] of a day

l4blitzer

Fans pissed about Jackson, but Tucker all but ended this one

RAVENS 25, TEXANS 9

l4blitzer

And many are making for the exits

Kenneth L.

These screens are horrible. Ravens fans booing

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Hey we get an 80 yard bomb and then recover an onside kick and anything could happen

l4blitzer

Mullet guy has the vest back on…game over

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It’s the vest of destiny

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Chuck and duck

l4blitzer

We have our first challenge of the day

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A stupid one

It bounced

l4blitzer

Oh, and we have a lady in the stands with personal jersey of Defense Diva…welcome to Charm City

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Play upheld but Dell with the first down grab

l4blitzer

Oh, and she has the matching purple hair

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First down run by Stroud

Dropped by Woods

l4blitzer

Good blitz scheme by the Ravens. Stroud had to step right into that sack

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The Sentinals ahead in what has been advertised as an NFL game

Deiter cannot play tackle

l4blitzer

…and that’ll do it from here.

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If Fant can’t go they may call me and I only weigh 145

Realistically it was over when Pitre went down

Astros have now outscored the Texans

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It’s stat padding time

So the Astros scored eight runs in one inning. We scored nine points. Just saying…..

Kenneth L.

Overall I am fine with this performance. The offensive line is a problem. Wide receiver looked good not great

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Saints win so we have a happy home

Yeah it was rough in spots but Stroud looked as good as could be expected

GAME BALLS: Will Anderson, Jr. and Jonathan Greenard. Overall, the defense represented itself fairly well in one of the toughest environments. They totaled four sacks of Lamar Jackson and held Baltimore’s diverse rushing attack to 103 yards (given how bad this defense was against the run last year, that is big time progress). The biggest pains in the Baltimore offensive game plan were Anderson and Greenard. They logged two of the sacks on Jackson (not an easy feat to be sure), along with 11 combined tackles/3 combined TFLs/3 QB hits. Additionally, they did their best to make Jackson’s first legitimate action at QB for 2023 as brutal as possible.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO USE CRAB “MUSTARD” ON THEIR HOT DOGS FOR THE REST OF THEIR NATURAL LIVES: The right side of the Texans’ offensive line. Going into a brutal environment like Baltimore without your starting Right Tackle (Tytus Howard) and your two best center options (Scott Quessenberry and Juice Scruggs) will immediately put you at a disadvantage. However, it went even worse than you could imagine. Baltimore’s defensive front feasted on the weak right side of the line, with most of Stroud’s sacks/hits coming from that part, to include the game-sealing sack/fumble in the fourth quarter. Pierce ran hard, but could only muster 38 yards rushing. That is not going to get it done in the NFL. With time and health, the line should get better. However, the next couple of weeks, if that line can’t up its talent or performance, will be tough sledding for the Houston offense, and the fanbase.

With that, we leave Week 1 in the past and await the return of Houston as they make their home debut against the “original” Baltimore team, the Indianapolis Colts. Kickoff slated for 12 noon Central Daylight Time next Sunday.