HAIR OF THE DOG Week 8: Tennessee Titans @ Houston Texans…A game summed up by Einstein

He’s been dead for nearly 70 years, but Einstein’s commentary is so appropriate for what we saw this past Sunday.

Albert Einstein. One of the giants of physics. From his theory of relativity to his work on the atomic bomb, Einstein’s work and thoughts still dominate well into the 21st century. He is also attributed a few quotes that many still reference in this day and age. In particular, there are two concepts/lines attributed to Einstein that are especially relevant for what we saw on the field at NRG this past Sunday.

Time is Relative: In one respect, this game moved quickly. Given that you had two teams whose most dangerous offensive weapon is at running back, it is not surprising that the game would move relatively fast in terms of game clock/speed. Yet, the relative dullness of the game, from two struggling QBs (granted, one was a NFL rookie making is first start on short-notice), to a lot of sloppy play from both teams made this one drag. It could be a sore on the senses to see this game in action. Also, while the final score (17-10) indicates a close affair, the actual game play reflected a matchup that was never that close. Tennessee rushing for over 300 yards as a team will do that. One wonders how much worse the final would have been if the Titans had any semblance of a passing game and the Houston Texans didn’t get the near-garbage time TD at the end of the game.

“The Definition of Insanity is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Expecting a Different Result”: Derrick Henry is one of the best running backs in the modern game. In his games against the Texans alone, he has over 1,000 yards rushing. He has averaged over 210 yards a game in his last four matchups. The Texans have the worst run defense (yards surrendered per game) in the league. With a rookie back-up in the game, there was no surprise in the game plan. Somehow, the Texans once again allowed Henry to add to his domination of the team. Even with a defensive-minded coach, and knowing all of this, the Texans did nothing to stop Henry. Sellout on the run and force the rookie to beat you through the air, eight-man fronts…all to no avail. Give credit to the Titans O-line and Henry, but no back should be able to average over 200 yards a game against any team, at any level. Henry didn’t do that at Alabama, but he never faced as porous a run defense either.

As always, the Battle Red Blog Masthead had some real-time reactions to this game. In HOTD tradition, we have edited out swear words for (relatively) safe reading at the office.

With that, on to the ‘Dog:

bigfatdrunk

Well, at least we get to play against Willis today. That should be exciting!

Patrick

[KITTEN] the Traitors. That is all.

vballretired

I always called them the Adams. Kind of like Cleveland Browns except their helmet would be a toupee

Patrick

No Collinses at all today, no Maliek or Nico.

bigfatdrunk

The Iggles are going to motorboat us. OM[D].

Patrick

Well…yeah.

vballretired

So you’re saying there’s a chance

bigfatdrunk

It’s great to see D’Onta Foreman playing like the guy I thought we drafted.

Wow, and he just scored his third TD of the game to prove my point.

Patrick

And PJ Walker sounds like he isn’t doing badly himself.

Patrick

Gentlemen, welcome to hate week.

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

bigfatdrunk

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Patrick

Ohhhhhhhhhhh we’re starting early! LOLOLOLOLOL

This is gonna go so bad so fast.

l4blitzer

I see our run defense was ready for Henry week

296 is the single game record, right?

bigfatdrunk

BEERCAN.

l4blitzer

I also see that counting is also a little difficult for HOU

vballretired

The Fat Aggie on the email miss

Bullock misses from 48 yards; HOU ball

vballretired

Field goal miss

bigfatdrunk

Field goal, email. Tomato, tomahto.

vballretired

Working on very little sleep here

Patrick

Trickery! For one yard!

bigfatdrunk

Davis Mills is basically good at two things, and the flea flicker is one. That didn’t work.

PJ WALKER!!!!

Patrick

Houston Roughnecks legend PJ Walker.

vballretired

Pierce is consistent at least

l4blitzer

Roughnecks vs this iteration of the Texans…who wins (using NFL rules)?

Patrick

Tie.

l4blitzer

Using XFL rules?

vballretired

Let’s pray Cooks doesn’t get hurt

Patrick

Ibid.

l4blitzer

Ya know, if we run Pierce and the BE-SF get smart and just keep running Henry, we could have a super fast game

vballretired

Can we go don’t care on Roughnecks vs. Texans?

Welcome to the game Brevin Jordan

bigfatdrunk

Davis Mills is kitten on a kitten.

vballretired

Very nice INT by Mills. Super clutch.

bigfatdrunk

I mean, kitten, Fulton ran the route better.

vballretired

PFF will somehow have Mills graded at 75 following the game.

Patrick

I will say this, at least this game is giving me a lot of laughs.

Oh thank [DURGA], the Cowboys fans are leaving. Now this Buffalo Wild Wings is gonna be classy.

vballretired

Da Bears

Mills audibles into an INT; Titans ball

Patrick

I’m wondering if you watch soccer or are like me and just watch the World Cup, are you going to watch this year?

l4blitzer

I am not so sure we will be there all that long

vballretired

I thought soccer ended in high school

l4blitzer

For most of America, except for the respective World Cups

Patrick

Europe and South America are just rebels like that.

I think, real talk, soccer is going to take over from American football within my lifetime.

vballretired

FIFA is like a cartoon evil organization

Patrick

It’s like the NCAA if the NCAA stopped caring about appearances.

l4blitzer

Hey, how bout that??? Two good run stops and a 3 and out?

Patrick

That’s okay, I’m sure Davis Mills is more than ready to give it right back.

bigfatdrunk

Two penalties on one return HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

vballretired

Two penalties on the return. Nice.

l4blitzer

Maximizing value in derping…the Texans way

Patrick

Man, I miss all the funny [KITTEN].

vballretired

I’m just waiting for the “but if he had all his WR and AJ Cann he would play like a franchise QB” talk

Texans possession

vballretired

Get ready for eight in the box

Patrick

They’re daring Mills to pass. DON’T FALL FOR IT LOVIE!

bigfatdrunk

The Texans are awful. Top to bottom awful with only a couple of exceptions.

vballretired

Pierce can break tackles when six guys are there

bigfatdrunk

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

vballretired

Intended for John Turf

Patrick

I can make a deeply sarcastic bordering on MOI argument that the Texans are the most valuable franchise in professional sports just from a pure non-fan entertainment value point of view.

vballretired

Wow, stupid fumble by Woods

Patrick

Woooooow, the world has so much beauty to offer.

bigfatdrunk

I don’t understand why a 30 year old dude is returning punts.

Texans recover BE-SF fumble

vballretired

My grandpa used to say they are the strongest team in the league: they are holding up everyone else.

bigfatdrunk

Pierce runs so nasty.

Patrick

Legit wow that Dameon Pierce run.

vballretired

Negated by derp

bigfatdrunk

CAR missed a cheap shot FG to deny Walker a win.

Patrick

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Bless their hearts, BFD.

Levy

This offense is mud

vballretired

This offense and the Lions defense would be pure comedy gold

Patrick

Who the [KITTEN] thought having a zombie as their spokesman was a good idea for Upwork?

Levy

The fact that we feasibly could still win the division is horrible

l4blitzer

Wasn’t that the Lions 2008?

vballretired

Or any other year really

Levy

@Patrick that was my old client for advertising

Patrick

YOU’RE [KITTEN]TING ME.

Levy

It’s actually not a bad ad for their audience

Patrick

Please tell me the zombie wasn’t your idea or I am going to be very embarrassed.

Levy

Hahah no

We help buy the ads spots. Not create them

Patrick

I mean I suppose, but from a dude on his recliner point of view it’s [KITTEN]ing weird.

Ahhhh okay, thank Durga.

bigfatdrunk

OK, OM[D], these are your starting QBs in the AFCS: Davis Mills, Trevor Lawrence, Malik Willis, and Sam Ehlinger.

vballretired

That John Turf is a [KITTEN] of a receiver

Patrick

Wooof.

vballretired

We recover at their 40 and lose a penetration (old high school rules)

Patrick

They are going the wrong way!

l4blitzer

Stupidball rules!!!!

Patrick

Why does the villain in the new Black Panther movie look like Russell Wilson?

vballretired

This next Thursday will make Kirk Herbstreit demand a raise

bigfatdrunk

Woods ain’t having a good game.

Patrick

If Al Michaels retired midway through the Texans/Eagles game on Thursday I wouldn’t blink.

l4blitzer

[Herbstreit] was down to learn that the WS games would be in PHI, not HOU…so, he will have to work on the banter with Al

Patrick

“You know what, [KITTEN] this, I’m going to gamble legitimately now.”

vballretired

Apparently my Behind Enemy Lines went negative according to Titans fans

Patrick

They’re like Phillies fans, always looking for excuses to be unhappy.

BE-SF possession

bigfatdrunk

Typing out “Kitten the BE-SFs” for 250 words would be a fantastic post.

vballretired

I’m picturing that scene in Major League 2 where Bob Uecker passed out drunk on the air.

Levy

Is this the worst I’ve seen Mills play? Idk but it’s horrific

bigfatdrunk

Owens doing what he does best: tackling a guy 20 yards downfield.

l4blitzer

It’s still early

vballretired

All hail all penalty defense

bigfatdrunk

That wasn’t a hold.

vballretired

More flags. Gosh these teams are kitten

Patrick

Just wondering apropos of nothing, what’s the record for most penalties in a game and longest game in NFL history?

vballretired

Longest by time or by perceived time?

Patrick

Either suits me.

vballretired

At least the Adams’ have an excuse

l4blitzer

Longest non-playoff game? Cause the two longest I can think of are MIA @ KC in ‘71 and SD @ MIA in 81

Both were playoff games

vballretired

That SD/MIA game was fun to watch though. This one is like listening to all fishing radio on Saturday morning.

Levy

This kitten offense right now

Patrick

I think you need to be more specific right now.

End of first quarter…scoreless, and almost as joyless

vballretired

What’s joyless is watching all the teams that have beat us on pace to miss the playoffs.

Also seeing Hopkins outperform all our WR in just two weeks is fun too

bigfatdrunk

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

l4blitzer

Oh those tricky 3rd and long draw plays

Patrick

Stat nerd: [pushes up glasses] Well actually if you exclude the first run by Henry, these teams would be about even in offense.

PICK!

vballretired

All hail all derp offense

Patrick

Steven Nelson, ladies and gentlemen.

bigfatdrunk

Jeebus, Willis off on that pass by about 5 yards.

vballretired

This has the makings of that 2002 win over the Steelers

Patrick

Oh man I remember that game, that was HARD to watch.

vballretired

Burkhead hahagagagafaf

Steven Nelson with the INT; HOU ball at the TEN 10

Patrick

This field goal is going to be awesome.

vballretired

I see Fairbairn in our future

bigfatdrunk

Mills is clueless.

Patrick

L. O. L.

l4blitzer

Commentators wondering why Pierce wasn’t in on 1st down. Answer: #WeAreTexans

vballretired

Blow the whistle, blow the whistle, blow the [D][K] whistle

Patrick

STOP THE COUNT!

vballretired

He misses I’m losing it

Patrick

POINTS! POINTS!

ALERT ALERT THERE ARE POINTS IN THIS GAME.

vballretired

It’s the snowplow game in a domed stadium

In spite of the Texans’ best efforts, they get a 43 yard FG. HOU 3 – TEN 0. Fans: -230

vballretired

I’m setting the over/under on combined QBR for Willis and Mills at about 14.5

Patrick

I refuse to accept a world where a show called “So Help Me Todd” gets more than one full season.

vballretired

There are titanic battles between Brady/Manning and Allen/Mahomes and then there are these two.

Jaleel Johnson on camera there

Patrick

Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks CBS. Didn’t need to remember that.

l4blitzer

Had a reference to the -Innigan game by the commentators. Could only pray for that excitement

vballretired

Pitre!

This game has to end in a tie

Patrick

I’ve been trying to stoke the fires of BESF hate all week and that’s the best we got to fire people up with.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

l4blitzer

The standard is the 14-12 Miami-Virginia game yesterday. If it doesn’t equal that, don’t want to see it

vballretired

Punt returners are dumb

Patrick

That was a pearl of inadequate perfection, that game.

l4blitzer

Are we sure that Pep Hamilton hasn’t been secretly replaced by the Iowa offensive coordinator for this week?

BE-SF possession

vballretired

Is there a difference?

l4blitzer

Hence the challenging question

Patrick

Oh great, Eric Murray is seeing field time instead of Jonathan Owens. But he’s the best tackler on the team, how will we withstand this?!

bigfatdrunk

Or, perhaps, replaced by a ham sandwich?

Patrick

If you’re asking me to tell the difference between Brian Ferentz and a ham sandwich, this may take a while.

vballretired

Our greatest strength is the voodoo we put on other teams causing them to play their worst football of the year.

No Pierce will make for a very dark day

bigfatdrunk

Neither of these offenses is interested in winning this game.

vballretired

Holy kittens, a three and out. Haven’t seen that in 13 minutes

TEN possession.

l4blitzer

Now is the obligatory moment when I ask for a running clock for the rest of the game…please

Patrick

There it is.

bigfatdrunk

That may put the game away.

vballretired

There’s the Henry we know and love.

Patrick

Let’s not throw the L word around all willy nilly like that.

vballretired

Already over 100 yards

I think that’s the fourth or fifth back to do that this year. Let’s see, Taylor, Henry, Jacobs, the Bears backup, and am I forgetting someone?

Did Etienne get there?

Derrick Henry doing what he usually does against the Texans. 29 yard TD: BE-SFs 7 – Texans 3; 4:20, second quarter

l4blitzer

Didn’t Etienne get at least 80-90 yds. Didn’t recall him breaking

vballretired

Pierce is our offense

l4blitzer

Lonnie Johnson sighting

vballretired

I thought he was selling insurance or bagging groceries

l4blitzer

Vrabel seems to have a thing for ex-Texans

bigfatdrunk

The play-calling is so bad.

l4blitzer

If Hamilton is trying to audition for the Charlotte job, this is not helping his chances

vballretired

I think Henry Winkler from Waterboy could take over from here

Patrick

Hamilton: So…what do you think?

Charlotte: We already know how to lose, why do we need you to help us do that?

Two minute warning

vballretired

But have you lost like this?

bigfatdrunk

It’s great to see Tim at the game:

vballretired

Isn’t Tim Kelly over there?

Patrick

OM[D], BFD.

[Editor’s Note: We don’t think this is actually the legendary Tim. Hi Tim.]

bigfatdrunk

Two minute warning, and more runs up the middle.

l4blitzer

GLORY TO ALL CHUM NFL GAMES!!!

vballretired

They are matriculating their way down the field

bigfatdrunk

Well, you get into trouble for [KITTEN]ing your way down the field. I should know.

l4blitzer

…and the Texans executing their 2 minute defense to season standard

vballretired

Sounds like my long handle spoon story

l4blitzer

::discards beer…goes straight to Jack Daniels bottle…chugs::

vballretired

Roy Lopez with a sack

bigfatdrunk

Beercan chugging beers to prepare for a potential FG.

l4blitzer

Yeah…you have Derrick Henry…don’t get cute. Instead…the Titans will not be outdumbed by us

vballretired

Punt?! Come on you cowards

l4blitzer

Even the officials are bored of this game, lacking some focus

Patrick

We ready for a Davis Mills two minute offense?!

Anyone?

bigfatdrunk

Thank Durga no.

vballretired

Kneel down here. Our most effective play.

Halftime: BE-SFs 7 – USED-TO-BE-THE-FIGHTING-EASTERBYS 3. (Why are watching this game again?)

Patrick

Because it’s better than prison?

bigfatdrunk

But it’s close.

Halftime Reactions (if this game hasn’t drained all significant IQ from your brain).

Patrick

I’ve had two Long Island iced teas…I’ll be [KITTEN]ed if I’m going to let the Baby-Eating Sister-[KITTEN]ers drain my IQ before I do.

l4blitzer

I’m surprised this game wasn’t on Amazon Prime. It has that type of “quality”.

Patrick

Don’t worry, that’s what the Eagles game will be on Thursday.

l4blitzer

Yeah, but the Eagles kinda play good football. I don’t know what this game is…

A matchup between the University of Houston and University of Tennessee would be far more entertaining.

Patrick

Why you gotta do that to me, l4?

I didn’t do anything to you to bring that kind of violence to my person.

WEINER DOG RACES! WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST REPLACE THE GAME WITH WEINER DOG RACES?!

l4blitzer

My apologies…

Patrick

Eh, it’s fine.

vballretired

Mills with 1.6 yards per attempt. I’m new to this football thing. Is that good?

Patrick

They are garbage this season anyway.

bigfatdrunk

HOF bound!

l4blitzer

Vols playing exciting offense this year…and they got over on BO’B, so there’s that

Patrick

That was pretty fun, I will say that.

bigfatdrunk

Willis QBRat: 43.5, Mills: 21.5.

Patrick

And what’s the QBR you’d get if you just threw it at the ground on every play?

Because I suspect it’s higher than both of those.

Teair Tart is an…interesting name.

HOU possession

Patrick

We have 13 minutes to score 17 points.

bigfatdrunk

I swear to Durga: I will not watch Mills if he starts another game after this season. He sucks. He’s trash.

Patrick

I can’t stop looking at all the empty seats at NRG., Friggin’ amazing.

Patrick

[Durga] this defense, if you can call it that.

vballretired

Holy cow this team sucks. What’s worse? The passing offense or rushing defense?

bigfatdrunk

The LB play is so atrocious.

vballretired

That’s Baby Lovie you’re insulting there

Patrick

We’ll never make our 20 point quota by the end of the third at this rate.

vballretired

Ummm, the sun set on that one in the first quarter

bigfatdrunk

Holy. Kitten.

Patrick

Wow. Not even an effort.

Patrick

I should’ve taken the under.

l4blitzer

Eric Murray with a stop???

Patrick

[Citation Needed]

A lot of business decisions made on the Henry one yard TD run. TEN 14 – HOU 3; 6:31, third quarter

HOU possession

l4blitzer

OJ Howard sighting

vballretired

Business decisions by the OL. Maybe they really do miss Cann

BE-SF possession

vballretired

That’s 223 yards rushing for the Titans and we’re in the third quarter. I’m guessing that’s bad.

vballretired

Do they clear 300 yards rushing by the fourth quarter?

l4blitzer

At this rate, they could clear it by the end of the 3rd

vballretired

I meant third

Patrick

They’re at 116 yards right now.

l4blitzer

Ah..

vballretired

Willis could clear 100 passing

Patrick

Correction, they’re at 259 right now. So it could happen.

I think that 116 was just this quarter, maybe?

vballretired

Would have to be.

Do they let Henry go for 200 or call off the dogs? I mean the water boy could average five yards a carry.

Patrick

He’s only 15 yards away, it wouldn’t take him very long I suspect.

l4blitzer

The score is still (theoretically) close enough that you run him as much as possible.

vballretired

Except we couldn’t score 20 points in ten more quarters

End of the 3rd: Derrick Henry 14 – HOU 3

Patrick

Oooof.

vballretired

Over 200

Patrick

And now they’re over 300 yards rushing if my math’s right.

Patrick

Malik Willis has gone 6/9 for 55 yards and a pick. And we’re down double digits.

SISTER [KITTEN]ER FIELD GOAL IS GOOD. BESFs lead 17-3

Patrick

Fourth and 15, GO FOR IT, [KITTEN] YOU!

Cowards!

If you’re going to play poorly, do it with style!

OH! There’s a guy with a paper bag over his head. WE MADE IT, Y’ALL!!!

l4blitzer

A mercy FG…man, Vrabel just toying with us now

BESFs PUNT TEXANS POSSESSION

l4blitzer

Shall we start the Kyle Allen chants now?

bigfatdrunk

Why bother having Pierce play at this point, though? Such a stupid team.

Patrick

Ugh…

Two minute warning. We might not score another point today.

Take those Oilers colors off you, you [KITTEN] dirty traitors.

l4blitzer

ALERT, ALERT, ALERT!!! WE ARE OVER 100 YARDS IN TOTAL OFFENSE!!!

Patrick

Don’t you dare score now, [DURGA]dammit.

MILLS TO PIERCE TD, TRAITORS LEAD 17-10

TEXANS LOSE 17-10.

Levy

This team can’t win. It’s not in their nature. Ugh do we need to fire another coach?

Patrick

To what end?

Levy

That’s what I’m saying. There is no quality. No momentum. Languid playing. I’m not sure anymore if the team is bought in

l4blitzer

This is the most mis-leading 17-10 score I have ever seen

Levy

Something needs to change. Sell the [KITTEN]ing lot of them

Cooks to the Rams. Tunsil to the Bucs

vballretired

This I agree with. The best thing about this team are the first and second year guys. Let’s go full youth movement.

GAME BALL: For the Texans, they almost have NO ONE worthy of such a designation. Even Dameon Pierce, about the only weapon any NFL team will need to worry about on the Texans this season, could only muster 35 yards on 15 carries. Yeah, he did get a TD reception, but it really didn’t mean much in the competitive flow of the game. I guess you have to go with Old Faithful, Jon Weeks, who played his 200th game as a Texan. Yeah…great achievement…he was quite busy with 8 punt snaps, a FG and a XP snap. No errors.

SHOULD BE FORCED TO STARE AT NOTHING BUT BUD ADAMS PICTURES, PRESS CONFERENCES AND OTHER ARCHIVED MEDIA FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK WITH NO REPRIEVE: Outside of Jon Weeks, Cam Johnston, I guess Dameon Pierce (but not by much)…yeah, pretty much the entire roster of the Texans. Especially the run _efense (they are not worthy right now to be consider a “d”efense). It was so pitiful that the Titans, in a one-score game to start the second half, in the 21st century, attempted all of ONE pass (incomplete, so, yay pass defense???). ONE PASS ATTEMPT?!?!?! You would say that set football back 100 years, but 100 years ago, even those players, way smaller and with way less gear, didn’t usually give up 300 yards rushing, and the forward pass wasn’t exactly the popular play. The Texans will need to dig deep and give greater effort to elevate to only an embarrassing run _efense.