Overreaction Power Rankings: Behold our Jaguars

A new column that makes up for its total lack of perspective with a total lack of seriousness

It’s been a while since the Seahawks, of Seattle, Washington, were 3-5 at the season’s midpoint, exiled from the division race and squatting/squawking at the edge of the wild-card picture.

A regular power rankings post would scarcely do them justice. Nor would it accurately convey just how desperate the times are in San Francisco, where Kyle Shanahan & Co. are crafting another last-place finish, as is their habit.

However, a power ranking system based on the currency of today’s analysis — pure overreaction — would capture such intricacies, and others. What if a team’s most recent game counted as much as their entire year? Indeed. What if. That’s the premise. Teams in the Overreaction Power Rankings rise and fall dramatically, when the potency of recency bias finally gets its say. On with it.

32. Texans (1-8)

I haven’t seen a team quit like this since 2009. Why that year? No reason. Unless the Texans are playing to their maximum ability, in which case, yeesh.

31. Lions (0-8)

They’re gonna win a game. Yes, in 2021.

30. Dolphins (2-7)

At least their logo is doing work?

29. WFT (2-6)

Future Seahawks opponent is bad.

28. Jets (2-6)

Past and future Seahawks trade partner is bad.

27. 49ers (3-5)

It gives me no joy to point out the shortcomings of Jimmy Garoppolo. However, I will bring myself to do so anyway.

26. Eagles (3-6)

Word association: HURTS

Love. William, and Maurice too. Car rentals. Frequency. Jalen. Watching Philly.

25. Panthers (4-5)

Sam Darnold is cooked. And not in the “Let Him” way. Who’s their backup? Is Cam Newton still out there? Only partially kidding.

24. Raiders (5-3)

Tied for first but also worse than the Giants is a recipe for collapse.

23. Bears (3-6)

Chicago lost the game in Pittsburgh but gained a quarterback. Isn’t the latter a much bigger victory than the former?

22. Chiefs (5-4)

And now for a tweet that tells the story of the Chiefs perfectly.

Next week this space might examine just how closely linked the 2012-2015 Seahawks and 2018-2021 Chiefs are. It’s rather uncanny.

21. Colts (4-5)

Fun AFC fact: The Colts are 11th in the conference, if you can believe it.

20. Bengals (5-4)

Next AFC fun fact: the Bengals were the conference No. 1 seed two weeks ago. Today they’re last in their division.

19. Saints (5-3)

Their luck has run out and while they are currently the 6 seed in the NFC playoff race, their Week 9 loss to the Falcons is the beginning of the end. Watch them slide a couple spots in these rankings every Sunday until the season mercifully ends, or Sean Payton decides on a quarterback, whichever comes first.

18. Vikings (3-5)

An overtime loss to the Ravens is almost a win. Minnesota is collecting a lot of almost-wins. Remember the Cardinals game? Almost won. I predict the Vikings will almost make the playoffs.

17. Steelers (5-3)

Once ref darlings, always ref darlings, am I right?

And yet another fun fact: when the Bears scored 20 offensive points against the Steelers Monday night, it tied the highest amount allowed by the Pittsburgh defense all season. Who else hung 20 on them? Geno Smith’s Seahawks.

16. Giants (3-6)

After two convincing wins and a close loss in Kansas City, the G-men are in the playoff picture, and if momentum existed, they would have it. They’ll have to settle for overreactive power rankings respect in the meantime.

15. Falcons (4-4)

Road division wins are to be cherished. Road division wins with a game-winning drive are to be commemorated. Road division wins that put you back in the thick of the playoff race are to be framed and put on the mantle.

(As long as it doesn’t lead to another Seattle-Atlanta divisional matchup; those are to be forgotten quickly.)

14. Cowboys (6-2)

Cooper Rush, anyone?

13. Jaguars (2-6)

You can count the teams that have defeated the Bills on Jason Pierre-Paul’s fireworks hand. Only a sparkling squad could pull off such an explosive feat. Other teams can’t hold a Roman candle to the Jags.

12. Seahawks (3-5)

Seattle is one of only five teams to go undefeated in Weeks 8 and 9 combined. Which is a stat I didn’t look up, but feels close enough. Frankly the Seahawks should be ranked higher even, but we don’t want to appear homery. When you blow out the 13th-ranked team, that’s a big deal.

Now, if you’ll allow yourself to dream:

11. Packers (7-2)

Until Aaron Rodgers comes back they’re not winning again. Get well soon A-A-ron! Being sick is no fun. It can happen to anyone and it’s definitely not something you brought on yourself or could’ve avoided in any way. I mean if it were, and you cost your team the 1 seed, that would be one thing…

10. Rams (7-2)

Matthew Stafford has no pocket awareness, no ball protection, no offensive line, and no playmakers who can stay in bounds. Sean McVay is terrified of fourth down. The Rams will settle for three whenever they can. If they manage to hold on to second place in the NFC West and fall backwards into the playoffs, don’t count on them to get past the wild-card round. Oh I’m sorry, was that an overreaction?

9. Broncos (5-4)

Good win.

8. Chargers (6-3)

Even better win. Back atop the division, too. 2021 will either end with the Chargers in the Super Bowl or on the business end of a playoff heartbreaker. Yes, that does sound familiar.

7. Patriots (5-4)

The new division favorites in the AFC East? The new division favorites in the AFC East. After all, they have the best coach, and they’re only half a game back.

The only possible problems I spot in their future are :

• potential Mac Jones suspension from the ankle twist play
• Week 17 against the Jacksonville Juggernauts

6. Bills (5-3)

Laughing out loud at 9-6, still.

5. Browns (5-4)

Fifth? Why the hell not? What kind of team wins by four scores when their QB throws two picks? Only a true contender.

Joe “I’m Not DK” Burrow agrees.

4. Ravens (6-2)

As the Bills and Chiefs sink into also-ran-ity, the chief beneficiary in these scientific power rankings and also the entire AFC is Baltimore. For sure, the Ravens have no defense whatsoever, but they never have to worry about stopping Lamar Jackson, so it’s a wash.

3. Buccaneers (6-2)

2. Cardinals (7-1)

I mean, it was the 49ers. Still, to win by two scores with your B team on offense reflects well on your chances. So there’s no reason to rush Kyler Murray back, right Kliff? Right Kliff?

RIGHT, KLIFF?!?

1. Titans (7-2)

Their offense finally took flight once the dead weight of Derrick Henry was excised and rejuvenated by Adrian Peterson. Also they’re responsible for a third of the sacks Matthew Stafford has suffered. They’re romping through the NFC West, unbiasedly the best division in football. Finally, Ryan Tannehill is an anagram for Hail Narly Tenn. That clinches it. Until they lose next week and their season is over.

This column should close with a poll every week.