TOTALLY NOT FAKE NEWS: Shake-up in the Texans’ Command Structure

Job Opening for the Position of Executive Vice President of Football Operations

HOUSTON – Even as the Texans return from their bye week and gear up to face the Las Vegas Raiders, the organization is making more headlines off the field than for on-field play. “Hey, I love me some Dameon Pierce as much as the next man, but I can’t lead off headlines with Pierce gaining three yards a pop on every up the middle run, even if that is a significant improvement in the CHUM factor” an unnamed Chronicle source informed us…right at the same time the source forwarded multiple copies of his resume and writing samples in hopes that Totally Not Fake News would hire him [Editor’s Note: This is still TBD].

Anyway, the big story of the week, aside from the continued glory that is Dameon Pierce, is that the Texans parted ways with their Executive Vice President of Football Operations this past Monday, Perhaps the team had been “quiet firing” him for some time. The exact role/job description of Jack Easterby seemed to evolve this season from the Rasputin of the franchise, being the key decision-maker in all matters, to justifying his existence as he lost power. “At one point, I think they had him in charge of stocking the vending machines in the break-room, but even then, the Texans’ brass made him the Associate Chief of Break Room Operations, reporting to three tackling dummies that Nick Caserio and Lovie Smith moved from the practice facility” an unnamed source reported.

Initially, with the departure of a public presence like Easterby, there were the obligatory statements/press releases. First, from Cal McNair:

And from the social media account of the man himself:

However, as most who have seen any TV/news show in the last 30 years can attest, there is more to the story than the press releases. We at Totally Not Fake News did receive a secret copy of a recording of the discussion when the team and Easterby decided to part ways. We completely vouch for the authenticity of this…that every word here is true, because we are typing it into a story that is going out on the internet, and as Abraham Lincoln once said “You can absolute trust everything that is put out on the internet, especially if it comes from Totally Not Fake News.”

[garbled voices, chairs rustling in the Texans’ CEO office]

Janice McNair: “Jack, good of you to come up for this meeting.”

Jack Easterby: “Hey, Janice, good to see you again. Look, I had some great ideas for improving the quality of beverages in the staff snack room, but the left tacking dummy said I needed to get senior level approval to switch from Dr. Pepper to Diet RC Cola, so I was…”

JM: “Jack, we’re not hear to talk about the staff break-room snack inventory. We have some other matters to discuss.”

JE: “Oh, like the new helmet designs that I wanted to…”

JM: “Jack. Jack. Jack. We all thought it was best to do this in person…”

GM Nick Caserio: “Jack, we appreciate all you’ve done for us, we really have..”

JM: “Jack, you have done some wonderful things in your time here. I know that you were a good friend to Cal. Right Cal?fff”

CEO Cal McNair: “Yeah. You WERE a good friend.”

JE: “What’s going on? What’s this all about? Why are all of you [(the McNairs, Caserio, Head Coach Lovie Smith, Toro, 6 security guards (3 armed with AR-15s and in full Kevlar body armor, 2 holding a large wire net and 1 with a large cattle prod and a crowbar)] here? This…this isn’t one of those interventions, is it? I swear I’ve given up using corny stereotypical jokes in my sermons…I actually haven’t given a sermon in a long time, I am trying to quit, I am trying to do the right thing, I will be a good EVP…”

JM: “Jack, we just think that…that it is time for this organization to go in a different direction. You can understand, right?”

JE: “No…NO! This can’t be happening? You can’t fire me! You can’t get rid of me! I’ve been the best friend of everyone in this organization, I’ve been…”

Toro: “Not based on what you told the 610 guys.”

JE: “You’re just the mascot, what do you…”

Head Coach Lovie Smith: “Shut up, Jack.”

JM: “You’re fired and you need to clear out of the building. We’ll throw your stuff out of the office windows and you can catch whatever clears the fence.”

JE: “Cal. CAL!!! You can’t let them do this to me! You just can’t! Think about all that I have been and meant to you. The mentoring, the Bible studies, those parties with Dan Snyder…”

CM: “Jack [apparently Cal’s voice fell to a whisper and he was still not facing Easterby]. You…you just need to (audible sob) go. Just…go.”

JE: “NOOOO!!! You think you’ve seen the last of me? The staff, the true believers, they will not let this injustice slide. No! Stop! What are you doing? You get your hooves off me! STOOOPPPP!!!”

[At this point in the transcript, there is a furious amount of noise and action, as multiple indistinguishable voices were heard. Between the crying of what sounded like JE, the upending of multiple furniture in the office, a couple of “Shut up, Jack” utterances, the sound of a bull hoof kicking someone across the room and the sound of a cattle prod and a man captured in a net, hogtied and dragged out of the office crying…that was about all of the audio files that we could decipher]

With the firing of Jack Easterby, we were curious to see if Easterby’s words would prove prophetic. Based on his findings:

• Sunglasses wear in and outside the building was up at least 250%. “Best shades by far were the sweet, sweet Oakleys that Janice McNair sported Wednesday walking the grounds. It was as if she was trolling someone” our source reported.

Photo by Jordon Kelly/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Spotify indicated that the top music downloads/playlist songs for Texans’ offices were the following:

• Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead
• Hit the Road, Jack
• Freedom
• You’re So Vain
• You’re No Good
• I Will Survive
• Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw

Our undercover reporter also noted that the staffers and organization writ large seemed to view this news as a major positive. While Easterby reportedly said that the staff would mourn his loss, our reports indicate that maybe there was some mourning, but the wake…well…

Houston’s Waste Management officials noted a massive uptick in recycled material coming out of Texans’ offices. Most of the bins were taken up with excess copies of the following:

Yet, as with life, the Texans will move forward. We at Totally Not Fake News are sure that eventually the team will fill that ever-critical position of Executive Vice President Of Football Operations. However, our editorial staff assess the organization will take the risk that people might want to focus on the on-field product and will forgive, for now, any gap in the front office positions.