Totally Not Fake News: The Houston Texans, the most interesting defense in the world

They don’t always play dramatic defense, but when they do, it usually happens in the last five minutes of the game.

HOUSTON – There are strange times in the city of Houston. After the team held on against Arizona for its 3rd straight win and 4th straight home win, the team stands at 6-4…a record not seen in 4 years. The angst about the past and the psychological block of not acknowledging the team appears diminished. However, the cardiology and emergency surgery wing of MD Anderson and surrounding hospitals are in crisis mode.

“We warned you. We warned you, but oh no, did you listen to us, the medical expert? Nope! No you did not! You just had to let people watch the Texans without the requisite warnings. We have been stretched thin this decade, but now you add this, with the Houston Texans playing their 6th straight game where the game came down to the final 2 minutes!!! Dear [KITTEN], the nurses and doctors unions are about to walk out. The stress…please, someone, help us!!!”

A medical practitioner lamented, but some others felt differently, like this political-type figure:

“Oh, you know those medical types. Always whining, always complaining. No, it will be fine. Besides, the fans are used to tense games. Houston does have the Astros. True, they may not be used to high stress levels after early November, but we are stronger than those medical experts think. Besides, if we want to wreck our hearts and blow out all the blood pressure machines within a 50 miles radius of the viewing area, that is our [DURGA]-given, Constitutional right. Just like Sam Houston, George Washington and Bum Phillips intended.”

While that debate is going on, what is not up for debate is that in this most recent game, it was not the latest hero of the city CJ Stroud that led the team to the late victory, but the defense. Perhaps it is bit early to associate the defense with a nickname, ala the “No Name”, “Steel Curtain”, “Doomsday” or even the “New York Sack Exchange”. Yet, are the Texans’ in line for their own defensive moniker?

In the words of Texans CEO Cal McNair:

“You can’t deny that this team makes it real interesting in the late stages of a game. Especially if you look at our young defense. They always seem to be right in the thick of the drama. Whether they are trying to hold on for dear life, bending but not quite breaking…or actually, breaking, but breaking early enough to get the ball to CJ Stroud, who I am so glad we drafted, not that we told the team they had to draft them, but we also didn’t not tell the team to not draft CJ Stroud, but we are glad they did, even when we clearly did not not tell them to not draft…”

[Editor note: For the sake of clarity, we went ahead and cut off the interview at this point.]

Setting that aside, many did echo the sentiments about this defense. “They make things very interesting, especially in the 4th quarter” was quite a common refrain. Some others also noted:

• “Please [DURGA], hold the lead for once in your [KITTEN]ing lives!!!”
• “Why does this defense always do this to me! Especially when I bet the mortgage on a FanDuel bet???”
• “Ah mother[KITTEN]!, they have to make it ‘interesting’ again, don’t they? Can’t win in a [KITTENING] blowout like they are supposed to, aren’t they?”
• “Have you donated to our campaign yet? We really need your contributions to defeat..”

So it goes. yet, for this team, a name hasn’t emerged, at least inside the team walls.

“Nickname???” You crazy? If any of our people even thought about that, Coach DeMeco would Super-punch us to [KITTEN], or trade us to Carolina.” Noted rookie Will Anderson, Jr.

Yet, with the defense lead by Matt Burke, regarded in some circles as the most Interesting Defensive Coordinator in the World, perhaps it is time to anoint the Texans defense with a new label: The Most Interesting Defense in the World.

How are they the most Interesting Defense in the World:

• They have played eight straight games holding the lead at the 2 minute warning in the 4th quarter
• They have surrendered points inside of the final minute in 4 of those games.
• They let Bryce Young get his first win as a starting quarterback
• They did manage to leave at least 46 seconds to CJ Stroud to make a game-winning drive in two of those games.
• They are also known to run a prevent defense while engaging in blitzing.
• They struggle with 4th and short and 3rd and 23s.

Still, even with all of these adventures, the team somehow does not seem upset.

Noted Defensive Coordinator Matt Burke:

“Hey, it’s all about the drama. I mean, it was great when we blasted Jacksonville and Pittsburgh by a combined 30 points, but multi-score blowouts…that just takes the drama out of everything. Besides, boring blowouts…not a lot of great training opportunities. Close games, to include some heart-stopping end-of-game action…that makes for some wonderful film sessions during the week.”

Lamented Head Coach DeMeco Ryans:

“I could do with less overall drama, but what can you do? Can’t DDT EVERY single defensive player that misses a tackle. We’d be out of defensive players.”

“Don’t look at me. I got the team a great defensive pass rushing specialist…and some good defensive talents. That’s all on the coaching staff.” GM Nick Caserio noted, who then quickly added “I mean, the defensive staff, not the head coach. Clearly not the head coach.” Probably a coincidence that Coach Ryans was walking by.

Yet, even the offense did manage to give the defense some credit.

From QB CJ Stroud:

“Look, I know that I’ve had to bail out the defense the last few weeks. Winning it after they let the lead slip. Couldn’t do much about Atlanta or Carolina, but I didn’t get the ball back. Still, I must admit, it was a little refreshing to see the defense actually hold on to a lead in the end. Yeah, I didn’t have a great second half, but give me that last possession…the other 58+minutes don’t matter.”

Will the Most Interesting Defense in the World continue to live up to their billing? We will get a chance to find out quick, as the division-leading Jacksonville Jaguars come to town in what many regard as the biggest NFL game at NRG in years. Might even match last year’s high school playoff intensity.

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