Totally Not Fake News: The other NFL awards the Houston Texans claimed 

At least, the awards the NFL didn’t air during the NFL Honors.

HOUSTON – These are heady times at the Houston Texans offices. For the 1st time this decade, the Texans entered the off-season not wondering about who their head coach was going to be, or if the team was going to look for another quarterback or all of those issues. “Oh, you mean we aren’t thinking about the top of the draft again?”

The shift in the off-season focus for the Texans had impacts all the way up at the top of the organization. Another unnamed staffer indicated that shortly after the team’s 34-10 defeat in Baltimore, team CEO Cal McNair called for a meeting between the primary brain trust of the Texans, to include GM Nick Caserio, Head Coach DeMeco Ryans, Hannah McNair, Toro, and several other team leaders. Cal seemed particularly animated about the team’s immediate actions. “So, who are we looking at as head coach for this next year? Lot of people are big on that Ben Johnson fellow out of Detroit? What about Jim Harbaugh? Just won a title right here in my house. Could he do it again?”

While Cal pontificated, most focused on Head Coach Ryans. Coach Ryans’ eyes started to light up, making many think of peak Mike Singletary. Meanwhile GM Nick Caserio, shaking his head in registration, immediately chugged from his bottle of Jack Daniels. Fortunately, before Ryans could destroy any furniture, Toro spoke up to remind Cal that Coach Ryans was A) one of the top coaching hires in the league last year, B) that the team won as many games in one year with him as they did in three years with the previous four guys, C) that the team was still paying off the buyouts for David Culley and Lovie Smith and didn’t have all THAT much cash on hand and D) Ryans was in the room and about to crush the armrests of his chair with his bare hands.

“Oh, that’s right…Hey, y’all are right! We DON’T have to hire a head coach this year! Awesome. Still, should we fly in that Bobby Slowik kid for an interview. Might be worth talking to?” Cal immediately stammered.

“Sure” Toro noted. “Although, I don’t think we’ll need to spring for the ticket. Just have [Head] Coach [DeMeco Ryans] throw him into your office from the practice field he works on. Saves on airfare, but the health care…”

“Hmmm…I suppose…” Cal McNair mused.

“Cal, remember, we talked about this in counseling? We don’t suck anymore. We don’t need to have a ‘loser’ mindset?” Hannah McNair gently nudged.

“Right, Hannah. I am SO sorry y’all. It is just…just…that I haven’t seen such success running anything. I am so used to failure, I don’t know what to do with myself. Coach, Sorry about that. You don’t have to launch Slowik into my office.”

Coach Ryans left with a disappointed look, but Bobbly Slowik left the room relieved.

While the Texans brain trust tries to adjust to not sucking, the NFL was busy lauding the Texans. At the NFL Awards, the franchise claimed both the Offensive and Defensive Rookies of the Year, and just missed out on Coach of the Year. While no voter claimed to be the difference, the NFL, showing an abundance of extreme caution, and not wanting to be featured in another Washington Post expose about not providing health care to sports writers and voters who would get injured by a rampaging Coach Ryans, did not release the names.

Actually, the NFL awards ceremony had plenty of categories that did not make it to air. Sure, they had the big ones, like MVP, Defensive and Offensive Players of the Year, Walter Payton Man of the Year, Fan of the Year, Play of the Year and so forth. However, like the scientific and technical awards at the Oscars, the NFL also gave out some other awards at a quiet dinner ceremony at the Golden Nugget buffet at 2 a.m. Some of those awards (co-sponsored by Totally Not Fake News) are as follows:

Photo by Cooper Neill/Getty Images

• Best Performance By an Emergency Kicker: Dare Ogunbowale, Houston Texans. In a surprising season full of dramatic and exciting plays, one of the top performances of the year must come from RB Dare Ogunbowale in the pivotal game against the Tampa Bay Bucs. When primary kicker Ka’imi Fairbarin went out with a quad injury, the team decided not to risk punter Cam Johnston and called upon Ogunbowale. Houston called upon him for six kickoffs (three touchbacks) and one massive 29-yard FG that was instrumental in the 39-37 victory for Houston (all in the second half). Admittedly, there weren’t many other contenders. Cleveland had a chance when their kicker went down against Houston in a regular season matchup. We at Totally Not Fake News don’t want to speculate, but we think Cleveland didn’t want to be shown up by Houston in that same situation. Well, that and Cleveland so dominated that game it didn’t matter, but we digress.

Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

• Best NFL Consigliere: Hannah McNair, Houston Texans. Usually, executives and people with formal titled positions get the glory. However, this is a shout out to the shadow cabinet of advisors to help the hardest workers in the NFL, and perhaps the most abused and overlooked: the owners/CEOs. The Consigliere can take on many names, from “son”, to “homeless dude that the owner ran into on the street” to “executive vice president of football operations”. In this case, Houston, which was still dealing with the fallout from the last executive vice president of football operations, was not expected to do much this season. However, in that most time-honored of traditions, Cal McNair did what many men who are struggling with something do: Just listen to his wife. From the hire of DeMeco Ryans to calling for the team to draft a quarterback, Hannah seemed to know what she was doing. Also, sticking it to the Titans on “Oilers Day” put her over the top in the minds of the voters. No particular award was created, but she did update her email signature block with the phrase “NFL Wartime Consigliere of the Year”

Photo by Julio Aguilar/Getty Images

• Best Run By A Fullback: Andrew Beck, Houston Texans. Dameon Pierce won the Angriest Run of the Year for the 2022-23 season, but that one couldn’t hold a candle to Andrew Beck’s glorious 85-yard kickoff return against Jacksonville this past season. “Hey, it was in Jacksonville, where Pierce had that run, so we have a standard to live up to here in Houston.” Beck noted when he received the awarding email, along with the promise of a larger male…well, anyway, he was honored. The fullback is somewhat of a dying breed, but that kickoff return was a glorious moment in Texans history, if not in the history of the NFL fullback. Apparently, it was so awe-inspiring that it drove Pierce to try his hand at kick-returning. He did have a return for a TD, but most viewed it as ho-hum. Beck’s was one of the best runs by a fullback period.

Chris Torres/Fort Worth Star-Telegram/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

• Best Impression of the Late 1980s-Early 1990s Houston Oilers: The Dallas Cowboys. Speaking of the Oilers, their post-season tradition continues. Consider: a super-talented regular-season Texas-based squad all primed for a major playoff/Super Bowl run, only to come up short in the playoffs in some of the most embarrassing ways possible. Yep, congratulations Dallas. Your 2020s squads are now the NEW Houston Oilers. Enjoy the pleasure and pain that this entails.

There were some other awards, but we at Totally Not Fake News had other things to do, like get ready for our colonoscopy, so we left that behind. No doubt the Houston Texans will look to build upon the successes of this past season, and perhaps, when the NFL Awards come around in February 2025, the team can pick up some other awards, or ideally have someone accept on their behalf, as they will be preparing for a game, but we shall see.

And now, this public service announcement:

Recently, Totally Not Fake News is becoming aware of an increase in the number of onion-cutting ninjas infesting households across the Houston Texans fanbase. We have received a sharp uptick in the number of households reporting excessive emotional outbursts, like ugly crying, for unexplainable reasons. We at Totally Not Fake News are aware of the public health concerns and as such, offer this Onion-Cutting Ninja Detection System to help determine if you indeed have an infestation of Onion-Cutting Ninjas in your abode. By using this system, you can confirm the presence of this way underreported menace. Just play the following inside your home and determine your response. This video should help identity if the infestation applies to you: